FIC: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 9
May. 18th, 2009 10:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nentariTitle: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 9
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:alouzon
Fandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3821
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
Chapter 9
Hawkeye had no idea what compelled him to keep on walking until he was right by Major Smith's side. Normally, he proudly called himself a coward and made crude jokes about soiling himself or hiding under the bed at the mere thought of the snipers and bombings that plagued the camp on a nearly daily basis. This was much worse - the kind of thing he'd have expected to make him run sobbing like a little child. But there he was, walking to have a closer look at the talking baked potato standing in front of him, whose presence he felt was evidence enough of the universe's state of mind. The universe had grown mad. Well, madder.
The whole ward was immersed in a stunned silence, as everybody stared at the creature, open-mouthed. Hawkeye felt BJ's shoulder brush against his own as the younger Captain silently joined him.
It was Major Smith who eventually broke the unnatural stillness.
"Not Jamie," the said in such a low voice that Hawkeye was only able to hear because they stood so close together. "Ah well." Then, in a normal tone, she addressed the newcomer. "Welcome, General. We've been expecting you."
The "General" looked at her intently, but said nothing.
"Mind you," the Major added, "it's odd that a General has come to check on what is surely a task for a subordinate. Given the fact that we did not hear your arrival, I would be correct in assuming you've teleported yourself from your ship to your man's craft, yes?"
"You seem familiar with our ways, human," the thing finally said, in a raspy voice that reminded Hawkeye of a very human General, the sort that did nothing but chain-smoke, swill bourbon and shout orders.
"Yes, I am. And I'm not human, actually," the Major said calmly. "I'm the Doctor." She gave him a smile. "I'm sure you've heard of me."
The title clearly had some effect on the General, who widened his (hers? its?) eyes in surprise. "Indeed?" he asked, a tone of mingled respect and alarm.
The Major's smile turned into a smug grin, as she put her hands in her trouser pockets and stood on tiptoe, a pose Hawkeye had seen Frank assume every time he felt so annoyingly sure of himself and his military superiority - the difference being that Frank actually believed in said superiority, while Major Smith seemed to be doing it for her own amusement, and possibly to provoke the creature.
"Indeed, indeed," she said. "Now, General, I know this might be just wishful thinking, but I was hoping you'd feel intimidated by my presence, take your man's body and go back to your ship, never to return. It would save everyone so much trouble and effort, don't you think?"
"That is indeed mere wishful thinking, Doctor," the General said, raising something that reminded Hawkeye of a riding crop. "My plans were to destroy this whole unit in retaliation for the attack perpetrated on my subordinate, take the cylinders that were promised to him, and only then leave. However," the tip of the riding crop began to glow, "your arrival changes things."
"My head would make a lovely trophy on your mantelpiece, you mean?" Hawkeye was surprised with the Major's serenity.
"That's one way of putting it. The glory of killing the Doctor would guarantee my name a place in-"
The words died on the creature's lips as a shrill sound was suddenly heard and the weapon in its hands suddenly dismantled itself into smaller components and fell to the ground, useless.
"Oops?" the Major said, with a cherubic smile. "How clumsy of me. I seem to have ruined your pretty little weapon." It was then that Hawkeye realized that her hands were no longer in her pockets, and that one of them was holding what looked like an oversized metallic pen. "Honestly," she said, turning to the two Captains, as if she was discussing the most trivial thing, "whenever someone points a weapon at me, I keep forgetting I have my sonic screwdriver. Could have saved me a lot of hassle in the past," she added to herself as an afterthought.
"This is an outrage!" the General thundered. Hawkeye heard someone whimper in the back, and only then remembered that they were not alone. He glanced back at the rest of the ward, and saw Calvin (now sitting up) and all the patients looking at them with wide eyes and panic-white faces. His eyes then met BJ's and he saw the same shock and incredulity he himself was experiencing.
Undisturbed, the Major let out a big, childlike laugh before saying in a mocking tone, "Ooh, did the mean lady break the General's little toy?"
"Do not mock me, Doctor," he growled. "You insult the honor of a Sontaran warrior."
"That's funny," she replied. "A long time ago, a Sontaran warrior like yourself told me nothing I said could call his honor into question since I'm not one of your kind." She gave a mocking smile. "I wish you lot would make up your minds."
The General ignored her taunting this time. "Since you have encountered the mighty Sontaran Army in the past, Doctor, you should be aware that, in spite of having come here alone and no longer having my weapon, I'm far from defenseless."
Suddenly, the Major let out a small cry of surprise as she dropped the "sonic screwdriver" with a start; Hawkeye heard gasps of shock and surprise behind him, but the shock stopped him from turning round to look at the others.
The General lifted his left hand and revealed that he had something similar to a joy buzzer on one of its three stubby fingers. "You're not the only one who has... 'tricks up a sleeve'?... I believe that is the correct Earth-expression," it said. "Tell me, Doctor, what prevents me from killing everybody in this room here and now?"
The Major looked a bit lost for a few moments - but suddenly, to Hawkeye's surprise, she looked at the General standing in the doorway as if she had only truly noticed him before, and smiled widely. "Oh, I don't know," she said, as she massaged her now empty hand. "Maybe it's the fact that you're overlooking one of the greatest lessons the Sontaran army has ever learned from humankind."
The General gave a disdainful laugh. "There's nothing a human can teach a Sontaran."
Clearly, she was highly amused once again. Hawkeye wondered if she was as mad as Frank, to react like that in front of an armed monster like this - perhaps madder, since Frank would eventually begin to tremble and run off crying for his mother if he was to find himself in a similar situation.
"Probic vent," she said loudly.
"What?" BJ asked, confused.
"Probic vent," she repeated, even louder than she had been speaking until then, and pointing at the back of her neck. "A small spot at the back of a Sontaran's neck. It's their Achilles heel." Resuming her normal tone of voice, she added, "I hope you'll allow me to explain it to my friends here, General. I mean, it's not like they're able to reach your probic vent when they're standing right next to me."
The General stretched his fingers, and Hawkeye saw the object he held was starting to glow. "If you are trying to play for time, Doctor-"
"No, not at all. I'll get to the point very soon." Her voice rose again. "My friend Ace..." She turned to Hawkeye. "Have I told you about Ace before? I think you'd like her, though I'm afraid she'd probably deem you a 'toe-rag' or something worse. Anyway," she looked at the General once more, "my friend Ace taught a very important lesson to about a dozen of your men one day."
"And what lesson is that?" the Sontaran officer sneered.
The Major's smile widened. "Oh, it's a very basic lesson." Her voice rose even more. "Never turn your back on a teenage girl armed with a baseball bat."
The General's eyes widened in confusion. "Wha-?" he was about to start, when a small, dry thud was heard, and the Sontaran collapsed.
It was then that Hawkeye realized that McCrimmon and Rosie's two girls stood right behind the spot the General occupied just a second before - with Hye standing before the other two, her bat in her hands and a scowl on her face.
"Haneul!" Kim cried, hastily placing the tray she was holding on the floor and rushing to her brother.
"Doctor!" came another relieved cry, this time from McCrimmon.
"Jamie!" the Major shouted in return, running to the Lieutenant and almost knocking him off his feet, as she jumped into his arms.
"Oof!" the young man let out at the strength of his superior officer's hug. "Get off! Doctor, you're hurting - ow!" he cried, as the Major released him and punched his arm.
"Where were you?" she complained. "I was worried sick!"
Oh great, they're not just involved - they're married, Hawkeye couldn't help but think.
"Och, will you stop doing that?" McCrimmon said, rubbing his arm.
"We found him in the supply tent," Hye said. "Someone knocked him out."
The Major's irritation was immediately replaced by surprise and concern. "What?"
"Aye, someone hit me from behind," McCrimmon said, his hand massaging his sore arm.
"Goodness, are you all right, Jamie?" the Major asked anxiously, trying to examine the young man's head. "You're not hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," he complained, trying to wave her off. "Och, stop fussing!" He scowled, before adding, "Whoever it was, they took the cylinders."
The Major stopped on her tracks and looked at him in a state of shock. "What?!"
"Aye," the young Scot confirmed grimly. "When I woke up, the first thing I did was check my pocket for them, and they were gone. I'm sorry." The Major was now pale as a ghost, but she gave the Scot a wry smile and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.
"What's just happened?" Hawkeye asked, concerned. "Are you all right?"
"Oh, fine, fine," she replied, her expression dazed and panicked. "Someone out there is walking around with dangerous armaments that could make this war look like a picnic. I couldn't be better."
"Oh, wonderful," Hawkeye grumbled. As if this whole mess wasn't bad enough. It almost made him miss the normal deluge of wounded.
The Major ignored him. "Jamie, give me the coat." She held out her hand, as McCrimmon took off the gigantic tweed coat he was wearing, which was clearly made for someone the same height as Hawkeye but of considerable more girth. It might even fit a bear.
"Hey, can someone please tell me what's going on?" Calvin's plaintive voice was heard from beneath a bed.
"I better go and explain," BJ said, squeezing Hawkeye's arm and looking as if he had more questions than answers himself.
"What d'you need, Doctor?" McCrimmon asked, as he and Hye kneeled to see what she was doing.
"Right now it's not a matter of what I'll need, but of what is missing," she said, as she removed the most amazing array of objects from the coat's pockets and placed them on an empty bed.
"Eh?" the young man asked, looking on confusedly while rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head.
"I think I know what you mean," Hye said, before turning to the young Scot. "The person who attacked you could have stolen something else."
The Major smiled at the girl. "I like her," she told McCrimmon before turning her attention back to the bizarre collection of objects. Hawkeye stared mesmerized at the growing pile; among many bizarre objects he had never seen before in his life (and which made him wonder how on Earth could all of this come from two ordinary-sized pockets), the Captain could also see more easily-recognizable things like a yoyo, a small black book with the words 500-Year Diary on the cover, a rubber chicken, and a bag of peanuts.
"Should you not be searching the Sontaran first?" McCrimmon asked, displaying manifest reluctance to go anywhere near the creature himself.
The Major gave him a stern look. "Honestly, Jamie, look at him." All three of them turned their attention at the fallen creature nearby.
"What?" Hawkeye asked, studying the fallen General. A baked potato, wrapped in foil. Rather appropriate, actually.
"There's no place on a Sontaran officer's uniform where he could conceal the cylinders, no matter how small." She pondered for a moment, before adding, "We should disarm him quickly. He'll still be incapacitated for a while, but we'd better make sure he won't be able to turn the situation around when he wakes up."
"What should we do?" Hye asked, hefting her bat as if ready for round two.
"First of all, remove that wretched thing from his hand," the Major replied, pointing at the deadly joy buzzer. "And try to find a very thick and strong piece of rope to tie him up - with his strength I doubt it will keep him for long, but at least it will keep him busy for a while."
"OK, Doctor," the girl chirped, and rose from her position.
"Wait, Hye, let me help you," Hawkeye said, as he also rose.
"Goodness," the Major suddenly said, making both of them turn back.
"What is it?" Calvin asked, as he and BJ looked up from where they were talking.
"I know who attacked Jamie," she said, her eyes on the objects in front of her.
"How?" McCrimmon asked, sounding not as if he disbelieved her, but wanted to know the trick himself.
"I had some spare circuitry in my left pocket; I purchased it recently with the hopes of making some improvements in the TARDIS."
"Aye, so?"
"So, those circuits are just what the Monk needs to repair his ship. And they're gone."
***
"Margaret, I think we should go back," Frank whined, trembling.
"Oh, Frank..." she snarled, as they advanced through the small woods surrounding the caves.
"We should!" he insisted, his voice as shrill as a little girl's. "We're naked, it's cold and dark... and we're lost!"
"We're not lost, Frank. We'll find our way out."
"Oh, really?" he asked, assuming the defying attitude he sometimes took when not allowed to get his way. "In case you haven't noticed, Miss Scoutipants, we've already passed that tree three times!"
"Nonsense, Frank. You're imagining things."
"Am I?" He pointed at a small hole on the trunk, where a small rock and a bunch of twigs had been placed artistically. "'Leave a small trail,' you said. 'Just to make sure we're not going round in circles,' you said. Well, guess what, Margaret, we are going round in circles." His voice was now as petulant as if he was talking to that miserable Pierce rather than Margaret, which took her by surprise. She looked at him for a while, her mouth open like a fish, clearly outraged with the way Frank was treating her but unsure of how to respond to it. Frank immediately realized that the only reason why he was still alive was because he was Frank, rather than Pierce or any of the other finks.
"Oh, all right," she eventually relented, "but we still can't go back."
"Why not?"
"Aliens, Frank," she said, grabbing his arms in a gesture he had seen her adopt in the past when talking to a relatively dense nurse. "Aliens who kidnapped us and tried to steal our identities. They must be stopped."
"Caves, Margaret," Frank replied, grabbing her arms in retaliation and trying (rather pathetically, he had to admit) to mimic her stern tone. "Caves where we can find shelter until it's daylight again. We won't be able to stop anyone if we can't find our way."
"We'll be protected by the dark!" she shouted in her characteristic way.
"We can't find our way in the dark!" he insisted, his voice now as loud and high as hers. "Even now while there's still a trace of light we're going round in circles - imagine how things will be like when it gets pitch dark!"
Margaret sighed. "Oh, all right. Let's get back, then."
Frank giggled. It was so hard to have people accept he was right - even Margaret. Moments like these filled him with uncontrollable joy.
"W... where is 'back'?" she asked with some embarrassment, and Frank's giggles died.
"I thought you knew!" he spluttered.
"Well, I thought I knew, too," she said.
"I mean," he continued, this time in a nervous whine, "all those 'leave a trail' and 'follow the North Star' and 'Dad taught me to survive in the wilderness'..."
"All right, Frank, stop pressing the point."
"I figured you knew what you're doing! If you're such a -"
"Frank..." Margaret muttered, but he kept going.
"- big authority in -"
"Frank!" she hissed, covering his mouth.
"Mwoff?" he asked through her fingers.
"There's someone coming," she whispered, pulling him behind the tree where they could hide.
From behind it, Frank could see a figure approaching. The semi-darkness made it hard to make out who it was until the figure was close enough to the tree, that Frank could have touched it.
"That's-" Frank started, before Margaret covered his mouth with her hand.
It was the monk from the orphanage - the one the UNIT folk believed was smuggling weapons, if he recalled the conversation he eavesdropped on correctly. Frank tried to mouth this information to Margaret when she let go of him, but she was too busy staring at the man to pay any attention to him.
The monk looked confused, uncertain of what he was doing there. Frank saw this as the perfect opportunity to apprehend him and show Major Smith a thing or two about who was truly in charge, but Margaret grabbed him painfully by the ear when he tried to move. He gave her an offended look, and she silently pointed at another spot of the woods in reply.
It was their doppelgangers, wearing the clothes they had stolen from them (Frank couldn't see the coffee stain on his shirt, but he could smell the French cologne McIntyre once said made him smell like a snail, and which he had sprinkled the shirt with earlier to hide the smell of sweat). Frank couldn't help but let out a small whimper, which thankfully nobody seemed to have noticed.
"Time Lord," not-Frank said, making both the real Frank and the monk start.
"Oh," the man said blankly. "I-"
"We weren't expecting you," not-Margaret cut in.
"Well, I- well... uh," the monk spluttered. "Truth be told, I don't know what I'm doing here."
"Really?" not-Frank sounded intrigued, though he quickly added, "Well, that is unimportant. What matters is that you are here."
"We want the cylinders," not-Margaret added.
"What?" The monk was surprised. "How do you know...?"
"Our agent has just learned of this," she said. "The Doctor's pet human had them concealed on his person, and you took them from him."
"Don't deny it," not-Frank concluded.
"Well... yes, yes, I did," the monk admitted. "As a matter of fact, I was just going to the caves to bring them to you."
Wait a moment, thought Frank. Didn't he just say that he didn't know what he was doing there? But the doppelgangers seemed to accept this excuse.
"That is excellent news," not-Margaret said with a smile, as she held out her hand. "Give them to us."
"What about my payment?" the monk asked, somewhat petulantly, the first real sign of emotion he'd shown during the entire exchange.
"You will receive your reward when we return to the caves," not-Frank said.
"Our originals escaped, but they're unimportant now. With the cylinders returned to our possession, our mission on Earth is complete and we have no more use of them," not-Margaret added.
The monk hesitated. "Well, I..."
"The Sontarans must not have the cylinders," not-Margaret said firmly. "Give them to us."
The monk was still close enough for Frank to see his face, and so the Major was able to notice a sudden change on the man's expression. His nervousness and anxiety immediately dissipated, and were replaced by a cold gaze and a smile that almost made him whimper again.
"Very well," the monk said, "I shall give them to you."
Calmly, he rummaged through a small leather pouch that was attached to his belt, producing a small object Frank was unable to see at first.
The two aliens were surprised. "That's not the cylinders," not-Frank said.
"No, it isn't," the monk said, lifting it. Frank then realized it was a small bottle.
"What is the relevance of this?" not-Margaret asked, as the monk unstopped the bottle and pretended to smell the contents, at a distance Frank knew he'd be unable to smell anything.
"Coronic acid," he replied. "The finest available anywhere in the Nine Planets."
"We are well-stocked with it," not-Margaret said, looking at the bottle with clear apprehension.
"We have no need for it," her partner added, taking a step back. "What we want are the cylinders."
"Oh, but this batch is so much better than the one you have," the Monk said, still smiling. "A much more pleasant smell, and much easier to handle. And I can get it to you for a reasonable price."
"We don't-" not-Frank was about to start.
"Here, smell this," the monk said quietly, before throwing the contents of the bottle at the two aliens who, to Frank's utter horror, immediately began to scream in terrifying inhuman voices, and emitting a pulsating green glow. Then, suddenly, they started to inflate like balloons and exploded before Frank's eyes, green ooze scattered all around.
My shirt, Frank thought pathetically, feeling his stomach turn.
He couldn't help but notice that, during all this, the monk remained calm and motionless, in spite of all the disgusting green ooze all over him.
"Frank..." he heard Margaret say in a terrified voice, as he felt her rising from where she was crouching. Yet, he didn't dare to move, his eyes still fixed on the immobile figure of the monk.
"Sontar-ha," the man suddenly said in a quiet voice, before clasping his head and collapsing.
***
Suddenly and inexplicably, Calvin began to scream. It was a terrifying, inhuman scream that filled every fibre of Hawkeye's being with terror. Instinctively, he rushed to his friend, but Major Smith pulled him away.
"Don't get any closer!" she shouted.
He felt both himself and BJ (who had also been pulled away, possibly by McCrimmon) falling backwards, and Kim crying hysterically.
"What is happening?" Hye asked.
"Oh no," the Major muttered. "This is not good..."
Hawkeye lifted his head. Calvin had stopped screaming, and was now thrashing on the floor, in clear agony. And he was emitting a green glow. "Calvin!" Hawkeye shouted.
"That's not Calvin," the Major said. "That's another Rutan."
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:
alouzonFandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3821
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
Hawkeye had no idea what compelled him to keep on walking until he was right by Major Smith's side. Normally, he proudly called himself a coward and made crude jokes about soiling himself or hiding under the bed at the mere thought of the snipers and bombings that plagued the camp on a nearly daily basis. This was much worse - the kind of thing he'd have expected to make him run sobbing like a little child. But there he was, walking to have a closer look at the talking baked potato standing in front of him, whose presence he felt was evidence enough of the universe's state of mind. The universe had grown mad. Well, madder.
The whole ward was immersed in a stunned silence, as everybody stared at the creature, open-mouthed. Hawkeye felt BJ's shoulder brush against his own as the younger Captain silently joined him.
It was Major Smith who eventually broke the unnatural stillness.
"Not Jamie," the said in such a low voice that Hawkeye was only able to hear because they stood so close together. "Ah well." Then, in a normal tone, she addressed the newcomer. "Welcome, General. We've been expecting you."
The "General" looked at her intently, but said nothing.
"Mind you," the Major added, "it's odd that a General has come to check on what is surely a task for a subordinate. Given the fact that we did not hear your arrival, I would be correct in assuming you've teleported yourself from your ship to your man's craft, yes?"
"You seem familiar with our ways, human," the thing finally said, in a raspy voice that reminded Hawkeye of a very human General, the sort that did nothing but chain-smoke, swill bourbon and shout orders.
"Yes, I am. And I'm not human, actually," the Major said calmly. "I'm the Doctor." She gave him a smile. "I'm sure you've heard of me."
The title clearly had some effect on the General, who widened his (hers? its?) eyes in surprise. "Indeed?" he asked, a tone of mingled respect and alarm.
The Major's smile turned into a smug grin, as she put her hands in her trouser pockets and stood on tiptoe, a pose Hawkeye had seen Frank assume every time he felt so annoyingly sure of himself and his military superiority - the difference being that Frank actually believed in said superiority, while Major Smith seemed to be doing it for her own amusement, and possibly to provoke the creature.
"Indeed, indeed," she said. "Now, General, I know this might be just wishful thinking, but I was hoping you'd feel intimidated by my presence, take your man's body and go back to your ship, never to return. It would save everyone so much trouble and effort, don't you think?"
"That is indeed mere wishful thinking, Doctor," the General said, raising something that reminded Hawkeye of a riding crop. "My plans were to destroy this whole unit in retaliation for the attack perpetrated on my subordinate, take the cylinders that were promised to him, and only then leave. However," the tip of the riding crop began to glow, "your arrival changes things."
"My head would make a lovely trophy on your mantelpiece, you mean?" Hawkeye was surprised with the Major's serenity.
"That's one way of putting it. The glory of killing the Doctor would guarantee my name a place in-"
The words died on the creature's lips as a shrill sound was suddenly heard and the weapon in its hands suddenly dismantled itself into smaller components and fell to the ground, useless.
"Oops?" the Major said, with a cherubic smile. "How clumsy of me. I seem to have ruined your pretty little weapon." It was then that Hawkeye realized that her hands were no longer in her pockets, and that one of them was holding what looked like an oversized metallic pen. "Honestly," she said, turning to the two Captains, as if she was discussing the most trivial thing, "whenever someone points a weapon at me, I keep forgetting I have my sonic screwdriver. Could have saved me a lot of hassle in the past," she added to herself as an afterthought.
"This is an outrage!" the General thundered. Hawkeye heard someone whimper in the back, and only then remembered that they were not alone. He glanced back at the rest of the ward, and saw Calvin (now sitting up) and all the patients looking at them with wide eyes and panic-white faces. His eyes then met BJ's and he saw the same shock and incredulity he himself was experiencing.
Undisturbed, the Major let out a big, childlike laugh before saying in a mocking tone, "Ooh, did the mean lady break the General's little toy?"
"Do not mock me, Doctor," he growled. "You insult the honor of a Sontaran warrior."
"That's funny," she replied. "A long time ago, a Sontaran warrior like yourself told me nothing I said could call his honor into question since I'm not one of your kind." She gave a mocking smile. "I wish you lot would make up your minds."
The General ignored her taunting this time. "Since you have encountered the mighty Sontaran Army in the past, Doctor, you should be aware that, in spite of having come here alone and no longer having my weapon, I'm far from defenseless."
Suddenly, the Major let out a small cry of surprise as she dropped the "sonic screwdriver" with a start; Hawkeye heard gasps of shock and surprise behind him, but the shock stopped him from turning round to look at the others.
The General lifted his left hand and revealed that he had something similar to a joy buzzer on one of its three stubby fingers. "You're not the only one who has... 'tricks up a sleeve'?... I believe that is the correct Earth-expression," it said. "Tell me, Doctor, what prevents me from killing everybody in this room here and now?"
The Major looked a bit lost for a few moments - but suddenly, to Hawkeye's surprise, she looked at the General standing in the doorway as if she had only truly noticed him before, and smiled widely. "Oh, I don't know," she said, as she massaged her now empty hand. "Maybe it's the fact that you're overlooking one of the greatest lessons the Sontaran army has ever learned from humankind."
The General gave a disdainful laugh. "There's nothing a human can teach a Sontaran."
Clearly, she was highly amused once again. Hawkeye wondered if she was as mad as Frank, to react like that in front of an armed monster like this - perhaps madder, since Frank would eventually begin to tremble and run off crying for his mother if he was to find himself in a similar situation.
"Probic vent," she said loudly.
"What?" BJ asked, confused.
"Probic vent," she repeated, even louder than she had been speaking until then, and pointing at the back of her neck. "A small spot at the back of a Sontaran's neck. It's their Achilles heel." Resuming her normal tone of voice, she added, "I hope you'll allow me to explain it to my friends here, General. I mean, it's not like they're able to reach your probic vent when they're standing right next to me."
The General stretched his fingers, and Hawkeye saw the object he held was starting to glow. "If you are trying to play for time, Doctor-"
"No, not at all. I'll get to the point very soon." Her voice rose again. "My friend Ace..." She turned to Hawkeye. "Have I told you about Ace before? I think you'd like her, though I'm afraid she'd probably deem you a 'toe-rag' or something worse. Anyway," she looked at the General once more, "my friend Ace taught a very important lesson to about a dozen of your men one day."
"And what lesson is that?" the Sontaran officer sneered.
The Major's smile widened. "Oh, it's a very basic lesson." Her voice rose even more. "Never turn your back on a teenage girl armed with a baseball bat."
The General's eyes widened in confusion. "Wha-?" he was about to start, when a small, dry thud was heard, and the Sontaran collapsed.
It was then that Hawkeye realized that McCrimmon and Rosie's two girls stood right behind the spot the General occupied just a second before - with Hye standing before the other two, her bat in her hands and a scowl on her face.
"Haneul!" Kim cried, hastily placing the tray she was holding on the floor and rushing to her brother.
"Doctor!" came another relieved cry, this time from McCrimmon.
"Jamie!" the Major shouted in return, running to the Lieutenant and almost knocking him off his feet, as she jumped into his arms.
"Oof!" the young man let out at the strength of his superior officer's hug. "Get off! Doctor, you're hurting - ow!" he cried, as the Major released him and punched his arm.
"Where were you?" she complained. "I was worried sick!"
Oh great, they're not just involved - they're married, Hawkeye couldn't help but think.
"Och, will you stop doing that?" McCrimmon said, rubbing his arm.
"We found him in the supply tent," Hye said. "Someone knocked him out."
The Major's irritation was immediately replaced by surprise and concern. "What?"
"Aye, someone hit me from behind," McCrimmon said, his hand massaging his sore arm.
"Goodness, are you all right, Jamie?" the Major asked anxiously, trying to examine the young man's head. "You're not hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," he complained, trying to wave her off. "Och, stop fussing!" He scowled, before adding, "Whoever it was, they took the cylinders."
The Major stopped on her tracks and looked at him in a state of shock. "What?!"
"Aye," the young Scot confirmed grimly. "When I woke up, the first thing I did was check my pocket for them, and they were gone. I'm sorry." The Major was now pale as a ghost, but she gave the Scot a wry smile and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.
"What's just happened?" Hawkeye asked, concerned. "Are you all right?"
"Oh, fine, fine," she replied, her expression dazed and panicked. "Someone out there is walking around with dangerous armaments that could make this war look like a picnic. I couldn't be better."
"Oh, wonderful," Hawkeye grumbled. As if this whole mess wasn't bad enough. It almost made him miss the normal deluge of wounded.
The Major ignored him. "Jamie, give me the coat." She held out her hand, as McCrimmon took off the gigantic tweed coat he was wearing, which was clearly made for someone the same height as Hawkeye but of considerable more girth. It might even fit a bear.
"Hey, can someone please tell me what's going on?" Calvin's plaintive voice was heard from beneath a bed.
"I better go and explain," BJ said, squeezing Hawkeye's arm and looking as if he had more questions than answers himself.
"What d'you need, Doctor?" McCrimmon asked, as he and Hye kneeled to see what she was doing.
"Right now it's not a matter of what I'll need, but of what is missing," she said, as she removed the most amazing array of objects from the coat's pockets and placed them on an empty bed.
"Eh?" the young man asked, looking on confusedly while rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head.
"I think I know what you mean," Hye said, before turning to the young Scot. "The person who attacked you could have stolen something else."
The Major smiled at the girl. "I like her," she told McCrimmon before turning her attention back to the bizarre collection of objects. Hawkeye stared mesmerized at the growing pile; among many bizarre objects he had never seen before in his life (and which made him wonder how on Earth could all of this come from two ordinary-sized pockets), the Captain could also see more easily-recognizable things like a yoyo, a small black book with the words 500-Year Diary on the cover, a rubber chicken, and a bag of peanuts.
"Should you not be searching the Sontaran first?" McCrimmon asked, displaying manifest reluctance to go anywhere near the creature himself.
The Major gave him a stern look. "Honestly, Jamie, look at him." All three of them turned their attention at the fallen creature nearby.
"What?" Hawkeye asked, studying the fallen General. A baked potato, wrapped in foil. Rather appropriate, actually.
"There's no place on a Sontaran officer's uniform where he could conceal the cylinders, no matter how small." She pondered for a moment, before adding, "We should disarm him quickly. He'll still be incapacitated for a while, but we'd better make sure he won't be able to turn the situation around when he wakes up."
"What should we do?" Hye asked, hefting her bat as if ready for round two.
"First of all, remove that wretched thing from his hand," the Major replied, pointing at the deadly joy buzzer. "And try to find a very thick and strong piece of rope to tie him up - with his strength I doubt it will keep him for long, but at least it will keep him busy for a while."
"OK, Doctor," the girl chirped, and rose from her position.
"Wait, Hye, let me help you," Hawkeye said, as he also rose.
"Goodness," the Major suddenly said, making both of them turn back.
"What is it?" Calvin asked, as he and BJ looked up from where they were talking.
"I know who attacked Jamie," she said, her eyes on the objects in front of her.
"How?" McCrimmon asked, sounding not as if he disbelieved her, but wanted to know the trick himself.
"I had some spare circuitry in my left pocket; I purchased it recently with the hopes of making some improvements in the TARDIS."
"Aye, so?"
"So, those circuits are just what the Monk needs to repair his ship. And they're gone."
"Margaret, I think we should go back," Frank whined, trembling.
"Oh, Frank..." she snarled, as they advanced through the small woods surrounding the caves.
"We should!" he insisted, his voice as shrill as a little girl's. "We're naked, it's cold and dark... and we're lost!"
"We're not lost, Frank. We'll find our way out."
"Oh, really?" he asked, assuming the defying attitude he sometimes took when not allowed to get his way. "In case you haven't noticed, Miss Scoutipants, we've already passed that tree three times!"
"Nonsense, Frank. You're imagining things."
"Am I?" He pointed at a small hole on the trunk, where a small rock and a bunch of twigs had been placed artistically. "'Leave a small trail,' you said. 'Just to make sure we're not going round in circles,' you said. Well, guess what, Margaret, we are going round in circles." His voice was now as petulant as if he was talking to that miserable Pierce rather than Margaret, which took her by surprise. She looked at him for a while, her mouth open like a fish, clearly outraged with the way Frank was treating her but unsure of how to respond to it. Frank immediately realized that the only reason why he was still alive was because he was Frank, rather than Pierce or any of the other finks.
"Oh, all right," she eventually relented, "but we still can't go back."
"Why not?"
"Aliens, Frank," she said, grabbing his arms in a gesture he had seen her adopt in the past when talking to a relatively dense nurse. "Aliens who kidnapped us and tried to steal our identities. They must be stopped."
"Caves, Margaret," Frank replied, grabbing her arms in retaliation and trying (rather pathetically, he had to admit) to mimic her stern tone. "Caves where we can find shelter until it's daylight again. We won't be able to stop anyone if we can't find our way."
"We'll be protected by the dark!" she shouted in her characteristic way.
"We can't find our way in the dark!" he insisted, his voice now as loud and high as hers. "Even now while there's still a trace of light we're going round in circles - imagine how things will be like when it gets pitch dark!"
Margaret sighed. "Oh, all right. Let's get back, then."
Frank giggled. It was so hard to have people accept he was right - even Margaret. Moments like these filled him with uncontrollable joy.
"W... where is 'back'?" she asked with some embarrassment, and Frank's giggles died.
"I thought you knew!" he spluttered.
"Well, I thought I knew, too," she said.
"I mean," he continued, this time in a nervous whine, "all those 'leave a trail' and 'follow the North Star' and 'Dad taught me to survive in the wilderness'..."
"All right, Frank, stop pressing the point."
"I figured you knew what you're doing! If you're such a -"
"Frank..." Margaret muttered, but he kept going.
"- big authority in -"
"Frank!" she hissed, covering his mouth.
"Mwoff?" he asked through her fingers.
"There's someone coming," she whispered, pulling him behind the tree where they could hide.
From behind it, Frank could see a figure approaching. The semi-darkness made it hard to make out who it was until the figure was close enough to the tree, that Frank could have touched it.
"That's-" Frank started, before Margaret covered his mouth with her hand.
It was the monk from the orphanage - the one the UNIT folk believed was smuggling weapons, if he recalled the conversation he eavesdropped on correctly. Frank tried to mouth this information to Margaret when she let go of him, but she was too busy staring at the man to pay any attention to him.
The monk looked confused, uncertain of what he was doing there. Frank saw this as the perfect opportunity to apprehend him and show Major Smith a thing or two about who was truly in charge, but Margaret grabbed him painfully by the ear when he tried to move. He gave her an offended look, and she silently pointed at another spot of the woods in reply.
It was their doppelgangers, wearing the clothes they had stolen from them (Frank couldn't see the coffee stain on his shirt, but he could smell the French cologne McIntyre once said made him smell like a snail, and which he had sprinkled the shirt with earlier to hide the smell of sweat). Frank couldn't help but let out a small whimper, which thankfully nobody seemed to have noticed.
"Time Lord," not-Frank said, making both the real Frank and the monk start.
"Oh," the man said blankly. "I-"
"We weren't expecting you," not-Margaret cut in.
"Well, I- well... uh," the monk spluttered. "Truth be told, I don't know what I'm doing here."
"Really?" not-Frank sounded intrigued, though he quickly added, "Well, that is unimportant. What matters is that you are here."
"We want the cylinders," not-Margaret added.
"What?" The monk was surprised. "How do you know...?"
"Our agent has just learned of this," she said. "The Doctor's pet human had them concealed on his person, and you took them from him."
"Don't deny it," not-Frank concluded.
"Well... yes, yes, I did," the monk admitted. "As a matter of fact, I was just going to the caves to bring them to you."
Wait a moment, thought Frank. Didn't he just say that he didn't know what he was doing there? But the doppelgangers seemed to accept this excuse.
"That is excellent news," not-Margaret said with a smile, as she held out her hand. "Give them to us."
"What about my payment?" the monk asked, somewhat petulantly, the first real sign of emotion he'd shown during the entire exchange.
"You will receive your reward when we return to the caves," not-Frank said.
"Our originals escaped, but they're unimportant now. With the cylinders returned to our possession, our mission on Earth is complete and we have no more use of them," not-Margaret added.
The monk hesitated. "Well, I..."
"The Sontarans must not have the cylinders," not-Margaret said firmly. "Give them to us."
The monk was still close enough for Frank to see his face, and so the Major was able to notice a sudden change on the man's expression. His nervousness and anxiety immediately dissipated, and were replaced by a cold gaze and a smile that almost made him whimper again.
"Very well," the monk said, "I shall give them to you."
Calmly, he rummaged through a small leather pouch that was attached to his belt, producing a small object Frank was unable to see at first.
The two aliens were surprised. "That's not the cylinders," not-Frank said.
"No, it isn't," the monk said, lifting it. Frank then realized it was a small bottle.
"What is the relevance of this?" not-Margaret asked, as the monk unstopped the bottle and pretended to smell the contents, at a distance Frank knew he'd be unable to smell anything.
"Coronic acid," he replied. "The finest available anywhere in the Nine Planets."
"We are well-stocked with it," not-Margaret said, looking at the bottle with clear apprehension.
"We have no need for it," her partner added, taking a step back. "What we want are the cylinders."
"Oh, but this batch is so much better than the one you have," the Monk said, still smiling. "A much more pleasant smell, and much easier to handle. And I can get it to you for a reasonable price."
"We don't-" not-Frank was about to start.
"Here, smell this," the monk said quietly, before throwing the contents of the bottle at the two aliens who, to Frank's utter horror, immediately began to scream in terrifying inhuman voices, and emitting a pulsating green glow. Then, suddenly, they started to inflate like balloons and exploded before Frank's eyes, green ooze scattered all around.
My shirt, Frank thought pathetically, feeling his stomach turn.
He couldn't help but notice that, during all this, the monk remained calm and motionless, in spite of all the disgusting green ooze all over him.
"Frank..." he heard Margaret say in a terrified voice, as he felt her rising from where she was crouching. Yet, he didn't dare to move, his eyes still fixed on the immobile figure of the monk.
"Sontar-ha," the man suddenly said in a quiet voice, before clasping his head and collapsing.
Suddenly and inexplicably, Calvin began to scream. It was a terrifying, inhuman scream that filled every fibre of Hawkeye's being with terror. Instinctively, he rushed to his friend, but Major Smith pulled him away.
"Don't get any closer!" she shouted.
He felt both himself and BJ (who had also been pulled away, possibly by McCrimmon) falling backwards, and Kim crying hysterically.
"What is happening?" Hye asked.
"Oh no," the Major muttered. "This is not good..."
Hawkeye lifted his head. Calvin had stopped screaming, and was now thrashing on the floor, in clear agony. And he was emitting a green glow. "Calvin!" Hawkeye shouted.
"That's not Calvin," the Major said. "That's another Rutan."
