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FIC: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 10
Title: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 10
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
alouzon
Fandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4219
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
Chapter 10
"Come on, Father, wake up!" Frank said, slapping the monk's face.
"Frank, don't be so rough," Margaret protested. "You can see he's not well."
"But, Margaret, this man is dangerous. There's no room for pleasan- eek!"
The monk had suddenly opened his eyes and was looking around him with alarm, causing the Major jump back with surprise.
"Oh, honestly, Frank," Margaret groaned, before turning to the monk using the soft, concerned manner she usually reserved for patients. "Are you all right, Friar?"
"Where am I?" the monk asked, confusion spread all over his face. A clear ruse, Frank thought, feeling his courage returning. He doesn't fool me. "What hap..." The monk looked around and recoiled in shock when saw the green goo scattered all over. "Oh no, not again!"
"You were very brave, Friar," Margaret commended. Frank snorted.
"What?" the monk asked, still dazed.
"You saved us when you killed those creatures."
The monk's eyes became as big as saucers. "I killed...?"
This obvious fake display of amnesia was too much for Frank. He got close enough that their noses touched, and said in his best "bad guy" voice: "Listen, buddy. You're in deep trouble. You might have done something heroic right now, but you're still a dangerous criminal, and I'll make sure you'll get locked up for the rest of your life." He tried to produce his best intimidating sneer. "I'll throw away the key myself."
"Frank!"
"Margaret, I've heard those UNIT yobos interrogating him. He's a dangerous arms dealer!"
Margaret's face fell. "You're joking. A sweet-looking monk?"
The monk smiled at her in gratitude, and Frank felt his blood boil.
"He's not even a real monk!" He added screechily, recalling McCrimmon's comment. Not that it made a difference, he thought. Those Catholic devils were all the same - just look at that fink Mulcahy! He felt like saying it out loud, but then he remembered that Margaret herself was a Catholic - and one with a mighty left hook, to top it all - so he kept the comment to himself.
Margaret was shocked for a few moments, before regaining her composure.
"Then he's under our custody," she said, "but that's no reason to terrorize the man, especially after what he just did."
She helped the monk to his feet. "Do you understand what this means?" she asked him.
The man, however, was still looking confused - this time staring at the strange rubbery underwear Frank and Margaret were wearing. "Are you naturalists?" he asked bluntly, still in the grip of shock.
"Do you understand?" she repeated in a louder and slower voice, as if she was talking to someone hard of hearing. "We're taking you back to the 4077th and handing you over to UNIT."
"What?! Margaret, you can't!" Frank wailed. "He's my prisoner!" But Margaret ignored him, leading Frank to wonder what she knew about UNIT.
"Oh, the Doctor will kill me," the monk said wearily, rubbing his temples, and looking anywhere but at Frank.
"You bet your boots I will," Frank said, receiving a glare from Margaret in return.
"Listen, can you help us find our way back to the camp?" Margaret asked the monk.
"Y...yes, I guess so," he replied.
"He'll try to escape," Frank grumbled, mostly to himself. "Or he'll lead us into a trap,"
"Shut up, Frank."
"And we can't join the others looking like this."
"We'll figure something out when we get there."
"But, Margaret-"
"Frank, shut. Up."
***
Jamie was surprised by how quickly the two Captains' medical training automatically kicked in. Half a moment ago, their friend began to scream in agony, glowing, and the Doctor revealed that he was in fact another Rutan. He expected them to panic or be petrified with terror like the others; but the moment the patients started to scream, they rushed to assist them, trying to calm everybody down. Hye, still as fearless as before, shoved her bat into the Highlander's hands and rushed to help the two men, while Kim and her brother clung to each other, both wailing as if they were the same age.
The Doctor, meanwhile, was examining the fallen Rutan, whose thrashing and glowing had subsided, and who now looked completely human again, sweaty and unconscious.
"What d'you think happened to him, Doctor?" Jamie asked, idly handling the bat.
"I'm not sure, Jamie..." She was pointing the sonic screwdriver at the Rutan's still human face. "I have a theory, though." She looked up at her companion. "Rutans are a gestalt race."
He frowned. "Eh?"
"I mean, they have a hive mind - share a brain, so to speak. What one thinks or feels, the others do as well. I've seen that communication fail at times, usually resulting in either a berserk rampage, as happened with the one who was here before, or death; but normally, they're always connected."
Jamie's agile mind had already caught up with her. "You mean, something happened to the other Rutans we've met earlier?"
The Doctor looked at the Rutan again. "Probably. Which makes me fear something might also have happened to the Majors."
"Or to the real him," Jamie added, pointing toward the unconscious Rutan with his chin.
"Yes... though somehow I have the feeling there never was a Captain Spalding."
"Wait," Captain Pierce's voice was then heard from a nearby bed, where he was trying to calm down an old and frail-looking man. Jamie looked at the man's face, and saw him smiling I disbelief. "Wait, wait... That's not possible. Calvin's been with us for months. This trouble all started practically the moment you arrived here."
"He certainly wasn't here when the Rutan ship crashed," the Doctor said.
The Captain was still smiling and shaking his head incredulously. "No, no, no..."
"Like I said, it's just a theory," the Doctor said with a shrug.
"It's true," a voice said weakly.
Jamie started violently, nearly dropping the bat on the Rutan in the process. "Spalding" was still lying down, but his eyes were half-open. The Doctor turned her attention back to him, the sonic screwdriver once more in action in what Jamie believed was a medical analysis.
"Doctor, be careful!" Jamie pleaded.
"She won't hurt me," the Doctor replied calmly, before adding, "I think."
"She?" Pierce asked.
"All Rutans are female, and all Sontarans are male," she said, her eyes still focused on the patterns the screwdriver seemed to show her. "Besides being a battle between races, theirs is also a battle of the sexes." She then asked the Rutan, "What happened?"
"C... coronic acid," the Rutan said, with great effort. "The... trader."
The Doctor gasped. "The Monk?"
"D'you mean, he was the one who did this to you?" Jamie asked. "But he looked harmless!"
"I wouldn't say that, Jamie." The Doctor turned to look at him, her expression darkened. "The first time I had the misfortune of meeting the meddling fool, he was planning to wipe out an entire Viking fleet." She rose. "But it still makes no sense. The Monk has no problem with killing, but only when it fits his purpose. I can't see any logical reason for him to attack the Rutans or the Sontarans - not when he doesn't benefit from their deaths."
Jamie didn't say anything, but had the feeling the Monk had probably picked a side to support at last, and decided to get rid of the others.
The Rutan said weakly, "Before their consciousness was destroyed, my sisters heard... they heard him say-"
His (her?) words died as they heard laughter. Everybody turned, and saw that the Sontaran, whom Pierce and Hye had tied up with the thickest rope they could find before the Rutan had started to scream, was also recovered and looked up at them all with extreme amusement.
"Oh, I think I know what he said," the Doctor said, as she approached the potato-headed beastie. Jamie tightened his grip on the haft of Hye's bat, and kept pace behind her. "The Sontaran battle cry, perhaps? Or perhaps even 'help, help, the Sontarans are controlling my mind'?"
The Sontaran General sneered. "Mock me if you wish, Doctor. Even your inane humour will not affect me."
"Oh, really?" Jamie asked truculently, moving next to the Doctor to look down on the Sontaran. "Which one of you is tied up, then?"
"Please, Jamie, don't be rude to the General," the Doctor said, patting him in the shoulder. "That's my job."
"How very entertaining," the General continued. "Please carry on."
Jamie was surprised by the Sontaran's coolness after his previous outbursts at the Doctor. And he couldn't help but notice that he didn't seem to be making the slightest effort to untie himself. It was as if the tables had turned and only he had noticed. The Doctor was also suspicious, and was staring at the Sontaran with an arched eyebrow.
"Perhaps you should care to explain to us why you're so amused now?" she asked.
"I see no reason why not," the Sontaran replied, "since you'll be dead soon."
"And so will you, filth," the Rutan said, standing up unsteadily, still in its human form. "Our Queen needs no explanations. We cannot kill you in this protected place, but as Her enemy, you will be taken from this planet and executed."
"More wishful thinking," the Sontaran said, his scornful smile still mocking them. "In reality, I shall be the one who lives, while your pathetic-"
"Stop." The Doctor's voice was both dominating and tired. "I always get a headache whenever I find myself between two of you." She then turned to the Rutan. "You may not want to hear what he has to say, but I do. I also want to hear what you have to say about this whole mess, by the way. I was electrocuted, my companion was attacked, that idiot I have the misfortune of sharing a birth planet with was apparently used as a puppet and these people have been harassed and terrified, and I certainly would like to know the reason why."
Jamie heard Kim's brother whimper, but apart from that everybody seemed to have stopped on their tracks to listen. The Rutan looked at them, and Jamie could have sworn he saw a very human-like warmth in the "man's" eyes.
"Very well," 'Spalding' assented. "But he will be taken to face his punishment afterwards."
The Doctor sighed. "Agreed." The turned to the Sontaran again. "Well?"
"Where would you want me to start, Doctor?" the beastie asked.
"As someone once said - or will say, anyway - the very beginning seems a good place to start."
"Of course," the Sontaran agreed in that frustrating tone, just as Jamie's attention was distracted by the touch of a hand on his arm. He turned, and saw that Hye had approached and was now gesturing towards his hands.
"Just in case," she whispered.
It was then that Jamie realized he was still holding her bat. "Oh, aye," he whispered back, before handing it back to her. The Sontaran, meanwhile, had already begun his explanation.
"-devised this plan as soon as that idiot Time Lord contacted us with the intention of selling some Rutan weapons right here on Earth," he said. "Oh, we were interested in the cylinders, obviously, and I still hope to get my hands on them once the last stages of the plan are successfully executed."
"And what plan would that be?" Jamie asked.
"Your skirted pet has an inquiring mind, Doctor," the Sontaran said scornfully. "You have trained him well."
"Hey," Jamie growled hotly, "I'll have you know-"
"Please, Jamie," the Doctor interrupted softly. "And you," she said to the creature with even more annoyance than before, "enough with the insults. Answer him."
"But I thought it was obvious," the Sontaran said with a snort. "We controlled that fool to make it look as if a Rutan had broken the treaty."
"Treaty?" The Doctor looked confused for a few moments, but suddenly she jumped. "Of course! The treaty between the Rutan Queen and the Shadow Proclamation! It was signed around this time!" She turned to the Rutan. "That's why your sisters did not kill me earlier. That's why you want to take General Kaall here away from Earth!"
"And that's why they limited themselves to plant a spy here rather than kill everybody on sight like any good soldier," the Sontaran then said, his voice showing the contempt he felt for such an action.
***
Hawkeye listened to the conversation, his head spinning, as he rushed from bedside to bedside. This time he didn't dare to join Major Smith and look at the General from up close, not because his natural state of cowardice had returned (though he had the feeling it had) but because Calvin was there - or at least what, until only a few minutes ago, he had believed to be Calvin.
The Major had suggested that Calvin Spalding, the man he had known for nearly a year and whom he valued as a good friend, had never existed. He immediately scoffed at the suggestion, since it all sounded so utterly ridiculous, but Calvin immediately confirmed this fantastic story. He was just another of those little green blobs, and he never realized it.
It was impossible. Calvin was a human being. He got drunk as much as the rest of them. He was always singing and playing that huge collection of instruments of his, and trying to make sure everybody was having fun whenever they weren't up to their elbows on patients' blood. He even mooned Frank once, for God's sake!
Frank. Hawkeye shuddered, cursing himself for forgetting about Frank and Margaret. They had been taken away by the Rutans and were probably dead. Or something worse. The thought was too painful to consider. Sure, he was always locking horns with Ferret Face and Hot Lips, and nothing would make him happier than getting rid of them - but by "getting rid of" he meant seeing them transferred or, better yet, Hawkeye himself being sent stateside, back to the peace and tranquility of Crabapple Cove. Not like this. They were part of that bizarre 4077th family, and Hawkeye cared for them. Deep inside. Very deep inside. Like a very distant and senile aunt and uncle. Frank being the senile aunt, of course.
He cursed himself once again, this time for cracking jokes, and turned his attention back to the alien pow-wow.
"And that's why they limited themselves to plant a spy here rather than kill everybody on sight like any good soldier," he heard the General say.
The Major turned to Calvin. "Perhaps you could explain your presence here all this time, then?"
"This host was sent here to retrieve the wreckage from our crashed ship," Calvin said. Hawkeye shuddered; Calvin still sounded like himself, with his laid-back drawl, but the change in vocabulary was frightening. "This host", "our ship", "our sisters"... It was like a world turned upside-down.
"We were pleased to learn that you had succeeded in destroying most of the weapons," Calvin continued, giving a slight thankful nod to the Major, who returned the gesture. "However, our readings indicated that something had still remained."
"Ah! The cylinders," McCrimmon said with an air of conclusion.
"Yes," Calvin said. McCrimmon looked at the Major with a smug grin, as if he had just given an enormous contribution to the conversation, and she smiled and thumped him lightly on the shoulder. Hawkeye was unsure if she was doing it as a gesture of encouragement or if it was meant to shut him up, but either way it was clearly affectionate and made him certain they had gone through this kind of exchange many times in the past.
Calvin continued, "Which is why we remained in the area. We assumed the form of a dead soldier we encountered and created the identity of Calvin Spalding in order to blend in and be able to investigate at will."
"What happened to the soldier?" BJ asked, making Hawkeye jump. He had forgotten that the younger Captain was sitting on the next bed.
"He had died before we encountered his body and we left him undisturbed. He was sent to his family before this host infiltrated the camp."
Hawkeye couldn't handle it any longer. "What about Frank and Margaret?" he asked. "Did you harm them?"
Calvin looked at him, and he could once again see that glimpse of warmth. It was making him uncomfortable. "They were sleeping in our scanning machines not far away from here," he said.
"Scanning machines?" the Major asked approvingly. "So you can now study the bodies you're about to copy without killing them in the process. Very good."
Calvin nodded. "That's how we managed to leave the soldier's body unharmed."
"And what happened to the Majors?" Hye asked. "Are they still safe?"
"As far as we know, yes. They woke up and left by themselves, and will probably return here when we least expect. My sisters were looking for them to reassure them that there was nothing to worry about when..." He paused, and his eyes turned towards the still tied-up General. Hawkeye couldn't see Calvin's expression very well from the angle he was now, but he still could sense all the anger and hatred within.
The Major crossed her arms again. "We return to your side of the story now, General. Would you be so kind as to explain your mighty plan and why it should involve coronic acid and a controlled Time Lord?"
"I thought it was obvious," the General scoffed.
"Please, indulge us."
"Very well. My intention was to lead the Shadow Proclamation to believe that the Rutans had broken their treaty by committing a crime on Earth. By having access to a valuable Rutan weapon, and one we were sure our enemies would not wish to fall into our hands, we had the perfect justification for a crime to be committed."
"Which explains the dead Sontaran," the Major muttered darkly.
"Exactly, Doctor," the General replied in a loud, triumphant voice. "One of my own men, who bravely volunteered to sacrifice himself in exchange for eternal glory!"
Hawkeye felt sick to his stomach. The army, in all its insane homicidal and suicidal glory, remained the same even in worlds inhabited by talking potatoes.
"You are a warrior like me, Doctor," the General then said, "so I'm certain you appreciate how magnificent this plan is."
"I am nothing like you," the Major snapped. "And as for your plan, I think it's one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard."
The General seemed taken aback by this. "What do you mean, 'idiotic'?"
"I mean it's stupid, and pointless, and absurd. It's a ridiculous notion, even by Sontaran standards of lunacy."
"You dare to belittle the noble sacrifice of my man?"
Again, Hawkeye could not make sure, but it looked as if the Major was rolling her eyes. But before she could reply to the General, Calvin spoke.
"I can see how that plan of yours would work. We have been using coronic acid on you filth, and it would look as if one of us had attacked the Time Lord and the scum that serves you. But what about my sisters?"
The General looked at him in a defying manner. "Those were a bonus. We were not expecting the fool to contact anyone else, so we got rid of them as soon as we've regained control over the Time Lord."
"Yes..." the Major said, looking thoughtful. "You knew there might be a Rutan scout in the area searching for the cylinders, and you wanted it to be the scapegoat, but you were not expecting to find two more agents in close contact with the Monk."
"I am sorry I did not have the satisfaction to guide the Time Lord's hand myself. It must have been a tremendous spectacle."
"Oh, do shut up." The Major turned to Calvin. "Why were your sisters here, anyway? Couldn't you have handled the transaction yourself?"
"A safety precaution," Calvin replied. "Even though he looked harmless, we did not know how trustworthy the Monk was and if he really had the cylinders in his possession. That way, if our sisters' mission failed, this host could still be around to carry on with the search."
"And there was something else, wasn't there?" the Major asked, with a faint twinkle in her eye.
Calvin looked around once more, the tender and very human look in his eyes once again giving Hawkeye the shivers. "Yes," he replied. "We had become fond of these humans, and decided that, as long as this host was still around, we would do our best to keep them safe."
Hawkeye exchanged glances with BJ. It was clear that, like him, Beej didn't know what to think of the knowledge that green blobs from outer space were watching over the camp. And they weren't doing such a great job of it, what with the snipers and shelling always swarming them. And Henry.
Calvin must have thought the same thing, because he let out a deep sigh and said, "I'm afraid we have failed in that aspect."
"Sentimental twaddle," the General sneered. "A female trait, and one that will result in the Rutans' defeat in the end."
"See, this is why I always say I'd put my money on the Rutans if I were to make bets on wars," the Major said, her voice hard. "They might give me as much trouble as your lot, but at least they will occasionally experience some good, healthy moments of 'sentimental twaddle'."
"An unsurprising thought, coming from you," the General said. "It's because of such ideals that you'll end up dead along with everyone else in this room."
"Oh, aye? And how will you do that?" McCrimmon asked, scowling down at the potato head.
"Yeah," Hye added, hefting her bat. "You're all tied up."
"That is simple. First of all, I have alerted the Shadow Proclamation of the attack perpetrated upon one of my men by a Rutan. The Judoon will come here very shortly, and with their crude methods of investigation, they'll kill any non-Earthlings they find before thinking of asking questions. That would be you, and the Rutan, Doctor." He gave them a look of triumph. "As for your protégés, I doubt they'll be able to survive after the Judoon depart."
Both Calvin and the Major were looking alarmed at this, which made Hawkeye's heart skip a beat. He had no idea of what a Judoon was or what was going to happen, but their reaction seemed to confirm that it would indeed be nasty and deadly.
"But you're here with us," Hye said, expressing a thought that had also come to Hawkeye's mind. "If we die, you die too."
"That leads to my second point," the General replied. "You're not so naïve to believe I'd come here without having my men keeping tabs on my movements, would you?" His voice then rose. "Activate!" Suddenly, a strange glow surrounded the talking potato.
"No!" Calvin and the Doctor shouted in unison.
"Goodbye, Doctor," the General said, his voice fading to an echo as he vanished. "It's a pity I won't be able to place your head on my mantelpiece, as you put it, but at least I'll be comforted in the knowledge that I've contributed to your demise."
And with this, he was gone, the ropes collapsing now that there was nothing for them to tie up.
"Oh, no," the Major said. "This is definitely not good."
"We're doomed," Calvin said mournfully.
"Not if I can't help it," the Major said, rushing to the amazing pile of objects that she had taken out of the tweed coat's pockets. "Now where is it..."
Hawkeye, BJ, Hye and McCrimmon all approached the Major to see what she was doing. Calvin did the same. Hawkeye made sure he kept some distance from him; he wasn't sure of what he wanted to say to him yet.
"What are you looking for, Doctor?" McCrimmon asked.
"This," she said, grabbing what looked like small white plastic squares. Hawkeye had no idea of what they were supposed to be, but he noticed that McCrimmon became ghostly pale the moment he set his eyes on them, his eyes wide with terror.
"No," he said in a hoarse whisper. "Anything but them."
"What are those?" Hye asked.
"You use them to call the Time Lords," McCrimmon said in the same terrified tone.
"No, Jamie," the Major said in a reassuring tone. "Not the Time Lords this time. This can also be used to contact the Shadow Proclamation."
"Can you not use some other way to call them?" the boy insisted. "In the TARDIS, for instance?"
"Not enough time, I'm afraid."
"Enough time?" Hawkeye asked. "Enough time for what?"
"Listen," Calvin said. Everybody was suddenly quiet, trying to hear.
"What is it?" asked Hye. "I only hear rain."
"Exactly," the Doctor said gravely, as she looked out the window.
Hawkeye looked outside as well. It wasn't unusual for weather to turn suddenly: he once experienced all four seasons alternately in only two hours. But there was something strange this time. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on.
"We're running out of time," the Major told McCrimmon. "The Judoon are coming."
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:
alouzonFandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4219
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
"Come on, Father, wake up!" Frank said, slapping the monk's face.
"Frank, don't be so rough," Margaret protested. "You can see he's not well."
"But, Margaret, this man is dangerous. There's no room for pleasan- eek!"
The monk had suddenly opened his eyes and was looking around him with alarm, causing the Major jump back with surprise.
"Oh, honestly, Frank," Margaret groaned, before turning to the monk using the soft, concerned manner she usually reserved for patients. "Are you all right, Friar?"
"Where am I?" the monk asked, confusion spread all over his face. A clear ruse, Frank thought, feeling his courage returning. He doesn't fool me. "What hap..." The monk looked around and recoiled in shock when saw the green goo scattered all over. "Oh no, not again!"
"You were very brave, Friar," Margaret commended. Frank snorted.
"What?" the monk asked, still dazed.
"You saved us when you killed those creatures."
The monk's eyes became as big as saucers. "I killed...?"
This obvious fake display of amnesia was too much for Frank. He got close enough that their noses touched, and said in his best "bad guy" voice: "Listen, buddy. You're in deep trouble. You might have done something heroic right now, but you're still a dangerous criminal, and I'll make sure you'll get locked up for the rest of your life." He tried to produce his best intimidating sneer. "I'll throw away the key myself."
"Frank!"
"Margaret, I've heard those UNIT yobos interrogating him. He's a dangerous arms dealer!"
Margaret's face fell. "You're joking. A sweet-looking monk?"
The monk smiled at her in gratitude, and Frank felt his blood boil.
"He's not even a real monk!" He added screechily, recalling McCrimmon's comment. Not that it made a difference, he thought. Those Catholic devils were all the same - just look at that fink Mulcahy! He felt like saying it out loud, but then he remembered that Margaret herself was a Catholic - and one with a mighty left hook, to top it all - so he kept the comment to himself.
Margaret was shocked for a few moments, before regaining her composure.
"Then he's under our custody," she said, "but that's no reason to terrorize the man, especially after what he just did."
She helped the monk to his feet. "Do you understand what this means?" she asked him.
The man, however, was still looking confused - this time staring at the strange rubbery underwear Frank and Margaret were wearing. "Are you naturalists?" he asked bluntly, still in the grip of shock.
"Do you understand?" she repeated in a louder and slower voice, as if she was talking to someone hard of hearing. "We're taking you back to the 4077th and handing you over to UNIT."
"What?! Margaret, you can't!" Frank wailed. "He's my prisoner!" But Margaret ignored him, leading Frank to wonder what she knew about UNIT.
"Oh, the Doctor will kill me," the monk said wearily, rubbing his temples, and looking anywhere but at Frank.
"You bet your boots I will," Frank said, receiving a glare from Margaret in return.
"Listen, can you help us find our way back to the camp?" Margaret asked the monk.
"Y...yes, I guess so," he replied.
"He'll try to escape," Frank grumbled, mostly to himself. "Or he'll lead us into a trap,"
"Shut up, Frank."
"And we can't join the others looking like this."
"We'll figure something out when we get there."
"But, Margaret-"
"Frank, shut. Up."
Jamie was surprised by how quickly the two Captains' medical training automatically kicked in. Half a moment ago, their friend began to scream in agony, glowing, and the Doctor revealed that he was in fact another Rutan. He expected them to panic or be petrified with terror like the others; but the moment the patients started to scream, they rushed to assist them, trying to calm everybody down. Hye, still as fearless as before, shoved her bat into the Highlander's hands and rushed to help the two men, while Kim and her brother clung to each other, both wailing as if they were the same age.
The Doctor, meanwhile, was examining the fallen Rutan, whose thrashing and glowing had subsided, and who now looked completely human again, sweaty and unconscious.
"What d'you think happened to him, Doctor?" Jamie asked, idly handling the bat.
"I'm not sure, Jamie..." She was pointing the sonic screwdriver at the Rutan's still human face. "I have a theory, though." She looked up at her companion. "Rutans are a gestalt race."
He frowned. "Eh?"
"I mean, they have a hive mind - share a brain, so to speak. What one thinks or feels, the others do as well. I've seen that communication fail at times, usually resulting in either a berserk rampage, as happened with the one who was here before, or death; but normally, they're always connected."
Jamie's agile mind had already caught up with her. "You mean, something happened to the other Rutans we've met earlier?"
The Doctor looked at the Rutan again. "Probably. Which makes me fear something might also have happened to the Majors."
"Or to the real him," Jamie added, pointing toward the unconscious Rutan with his chin.
"Yes... though somehow I have the feeling there never was a Captain Spalding."
"Wait," Captain Pierce's voice was then heard from a nearby bed, where he was trying to calm down an old and frail-looking man. Jamie looked at the man's face, and saw him smiling I disbelief. "Wait, wait... That's not possible. Calvin's been with us for months. This trouble all started practically the moment you arrived here."
"He certainly wasn't here when the Rutan ship crashed," the Doctor said.
The Captain was still smiling and shaking his head incredulously. "No, no, no..."
"Like I said, it's just a theory," the Doctor said with a shrug.
"It's true," a voice said weakly.
Jamie started violently, nearly dropping the bat on the Rutan in the process. "Spalding" was still lying down, but his eyes were half-open. The Doctor turned her attention back to him, the sonic screwdriver once more in action in what Jamie believed was a medical analysis.
"Doctor, be careful!" Jamie pleaded.
"She won't hurt me," the Doctor replied calmly, before adding, "I think."
"She?" Pierce asked.
"All Rutans are female, and all Sontarans are male," she said, her eyes still focused on the patterns the screwdriver seemed to show her. "Besides being a battle between races, theirs is also a battle of the sexes." She then asked the Rutan, "What happened?"
"C... coronic acid," the Rutan said, with great effort. "The... trader."
The Doctor gasped. "The Monk?"
"D'you mean, he was the one who did this to you?" Jamie asked. "But he looked harmless!"
"I wouldn't say that, Jamie." The Doctor turned to look at him, her expression darkened. "The first time I had the misfortune of meeting the meddling fool, he was planning to wipe out an entire Viking fleet." She rose. "But it still makes no sense. The Monk has no problem with killing, but only when it fits his purpose. I can't see any logical reason for him to attack the Rutans or the Sontarans - not when he doesn't benefit from their deaths."
Jamie didn't say anything, but had the feeling the Monk had probably picked a side to support at last, and decided to get rid of the others.
The Rutan said weakly, "Before their consciousness was destroyed, my sisters heard... they heard him say-"
His (her?) words died as they heard laughter. Everybody turned, and saw that the Sontaran, whom Pierce and Hye had tied up with the thickest rope they could find before the Rutan had started to scream, was also recovered and looked up at them all with extreme amusement.
"Oh, I think I know what he said," the Doctor said, as she approached the potato-headed beastie. Jamie tightened his grip on the haft of Hye's bat, and kept pace behind her. "The Sontaran battle cry, perhaps? Or perhaps even 'help, help, the Sontarans are controlling my mind'?"
The Sontaran General sneered. "Mock me if you wish, Doctor. Even your inane humour will not affect me."
"Oh, really?" Jamie asked truculently, moving next to the Doctor to look down on the Sontaran. "Which one of you is tied up, then?"
"Please, Jamie, don't be rude to the General," the Doctor said, patting him in the shoulder. "That's my job."
"How very entertaining," the General continued. "Please carry on."
Jamie was surprised by the Sontaran's coolness after his previous outbursts at the Doctor. And he couldn't help but notice that he didn't seem to be making the slightest effort to untie himself. It was as if the tables had turned and only he had noticed. The Doctor was also suspicious, and was staring at the Sontaran with an arched eyebrow.
"Perhaps you should care to explain to us why you're so amused now?" she asked.
"I see no reason why not," the Sontaran replied, "since you'll be dead soon."
"And so will you, filth," the Rutan said, standing up unsteadily, still in its human form. "Our Queen needs no explanations. We cannot kill you in this protected place, but as Her enemy, you will be taken from this planet and executed."
"More wishful thinking," the Sontaran said, his scornful smile still mocking them. "In reality, I shall be the one who lives, while your pathetic-"
"Stop." The Doctor's voice was both dominating and tired. "I always get a headache whenever I find myself between two of you." She then turned to the Rutan. "You may not want to hear what he has to say, but I do. I also want to hear what you have to say about this whole mess, by the way. I was electrocuted, my companion was attacked, that idiot I have the misfortune of sharing a birth planet with was apparently used as a puppet and these people have been harassed and terrified, and I certainly would like to know the reason why."
Jamie heard Kim's brother whimper, but apart from that everybody seemed to have stopped on their tracks to listen. The Rutan looked at them, and Jamie could have sworn he saw a very human-like warmth in the "man's" eyes.
"Very well," 'Spalding' assented. "But he will be taken to face his punishment afterwards."
The Doctor sighed. "Agreed." The turned to the Sontaran again. "Well?"
"Where would you want me to start, Doctor?" the beastie asked.
"As someone once said - or will say, anyway - the very beginning seems a good place to start."
"Of course," the Sontaran agreed in that frustrating tone, just as Jamie's attention was distracted by the touch of a hand on his arm. He turned, and saw that Hye had approached and was now gesturing towards his hands.
"Just in case," she whispered.
It was then that Jamie realized he was still holding her bat. "Oh, aye," he whispered back, before handing it back to her. The Sontaran, meanwhile, had already begun his explanation.
"-devised this plan as soon as that idiot Time Lord contacted us with the intention of selling some Rutan weapons right here on Earth," he said. "Oh, we were interested in the cylinders, obviously, and I still hope to get my hands on them once the last stages of the plan are successfully executed."
"And what plan would that be?" Jamie asked.
"Your skirted pet has an inquiring mind, Doctor," the Sontaran said scornfully. "You have trained him well."
"Hey," Jamie growled hotly, "I'll have you know-"
"Please, Jamie," the Doctor interrupted softly. "And you," she said to the creature with even more annoyance than before, "enough with the insults. Answer him."
"But I thought it was obvious," the Sontaran said with a snort. "We controlled that fool to make it look as if a Rutan had broken the treaty."
"Treaty?" The Doctor looked confused for a few moments, but suddenly she jumped. "Of course! The treaty between the Rutan Queen and the Shadow Proclamation! It was signed around this time!" She turned to the Rutan. "That's why your sisters did not kill me earlier. That's why you want to take General Kaall here away from Earth!"
"And that's why they limited themselves to plant a spy here rather than kill everybody on sight like any good soldier," the Sontaran then said, his voice showing the contempt he felt for such an action.
Hawkeye listened to the conversation, his head spinning, as he rushed from bedside to bedside. This time he didn't dare to join Major Smith and look at the General from up close, not because his natural state of cowardice had returned (though he had the feeling it had) but because Calvin was there - or at least what, until only a few minutes ago, he had believed to be Calvin.
The Major had suggested that Calvin Spalding, the man he had known for nearly a year and whom he valued as a good friend, had never existed. He immediately scoffed at the suggestion, since it all sounded so utterly ridiculous, but Calvin immediately confirmed this fantastic story. He was just another of those little green blobs, and he never realized it.
It was impossible. Calvin was a human being. He got drunk as much as the rest of them. He was always singing and playing that huge collection of instruments of his, and trying to make sure everybody was having fun whenever they weren't up to their elbows on patients' blood. He even mooned Frank once, for God's sake!
Frank. Hawkeye shuddered, cursing himself for forgetting about Frank and Margaret. They had been taken away by the Rutans and were probably dead. Or something worse. The thought was too painful to consider. Sure, he was always locking horns with Ferret Face and Hot Lips, and nothing would make him happier than getting rid of them - but by "getting rid of" he meant seeing them transferred or, better yet, Hawkeye himself being sent stateside, back to the peace and tranquility of Crabapple Cove. Not like this. They were part of that bizarre 4077th family, and Hawkeye cared for them. Deep inside. Very deep inside. Like a very distant and senile aunt and uncle. Frank being the senile aunt, of course.
He cursed himself once again, this time for cracking jokes, and turned his attention back to the alien pow-wow.
"And that's why they limited themselves to plant a spy here rather than kill everybody on sight like any good soldier," he heard the General say.
The Major turned to Calvin. "Perhaps you could explain your presence here all this time, then?"
"This host was sent here to retrieve the wreckage from our crashed ship," Calvin said. Hawkeye shuddered; Calvin still sounded like himself, with his laid-back drawl, but the change in vocabulary was frightening. "This host", "our ship", "our sisters"... It was like a world turned upside-down.
"We were pleased to learn that you had succeeded in destroying most of the weapons," Calvin continued, giving a slight thankful nod to the Major, who returned the gesture. "However, our readings indicated that something had still remained."
"Ah! The cylinders," McCrimmon said with an air of conclusion.
"Yes," Calvin said. McCrimmon looked at the Major with a smug grin, as if he had just given an enormous contribution to the conversation, and she smiled and thumped him lightly on the shoulder. Hawkeye was unsure if she was doing it as a gesture of encouragement or if it was meant to shut him up, but either way it was clearly affectionate and made him certain they had gone through this kind of exchange many times in the past.
Calvin continued, "Which is why we remained in the area. We assumed the form of a dead soldier we encountered and created the identity of Calvin Spalding in order to blend in and be able to investigate at will."
"What happened to the soldier?" BJ asked, making Hawkeye jump. He had forgotten that the younger Captain was sitting on the next bed.
"He had died before we encountered his body and we left him undisturbed. He was sent to his family before this host infiltrated the camp."
Hawkeye couldn't handle it any longer. "What about Frank and Margaret?" he asked. "Did you harm them?"
Calvin looked at him, and he could once again see that glimpse of warmth. It was making him uncomfortable. "They were sleeping in our scanning machines not far away from here," he said.
"Scanning machines?" the Major asked approvingly. "So you can now study the bodies you're about to copy without killing them in the process. Very good."
Calvin nodded. "That's how we managed to leave the soldier's body unharmed."
"And what happened to the Majors?" Hye asked. "Are they still safe?"
"As far as we know, yes. They woke up and left by themselves, and will probably return here when we least expect. My sisters were looking for them to reassure them that there was nothing to worry about when..." He paused, and his eyes turned towards the still tied-up General. Hawkeye couldn't see Calvin's expression very well from the angle he was now, but he still could sense all the anger and hatred within.
The Major crossed her arms again. "We return to your side of the story now, General. Would you be so kind as to explain your mighty plan and why it should involve coronic acid and a controlled Time Lord?"
"I thought it was obvious," the General scoffed.
"Please, indulge us."
"Very well. My intention was to lead the Shadow Proclamation to believe that the Rutans had broken their treaty by committing a crime on Earth. By having access to a valuable Rutan weapon, and one we were sure our enemies would not wish to fall into our hands, we had the perfect justification for a crime to be committed."
"Which explains the dead Sontaran," the Major muttered darkly.
"Exactly, Doctor," the General replied in a loud, triumphant voice. "One of my own men, who bravely volunteered to sacrifice himself in exchange for eternal glory!"
Hawkeye felt sick to his stomach. The army, in all its insane homicidal and suicidal glory, remained the same even in worlds inhabited by talking potatoes.
"You are a warrior like me, Doctor," the General then said, "so I'm certain you appreciate how magnificent this plan is."
"I am nothing like you," the Major snapped. "And as for your plan, I think it's one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard."
The General seemed taken aback by this. "What do you mean, 'idiotic'?"
"I mean it's stupid, and pointless, and absurd. It's a ridiculous notion, even by Sontaran standards of lunacy."
"You dare to belittle the noble sacrifice of my man?"
Again, Hawkeye could not make sure, but it looked as if the Major was rolling her eyes. But before she could reply to the General, Calvin spoke.
"I can see how that plan of yours would work. We have been using coronic acid on you filth, and it would look as if one of us had attacked the Time Lord and the scum that serves you. But what about my sisters?"
The General looked at him in a defying manner. "Those were a bonus. We were not expecting the fool to contact anyone else, so we got rid of them as soon as we've regained control over the Time Lord."
"Yes..." the Major said, looking thoughtful. "You knew there might be a Rutan scout in the area searching for the cylinders, and you wanted it to be the scapegoat, but you were not expecting to find two more agents in close contact with the Monk."
"I am sorry I did not have the satisfaction to guide the Time Lord's hand myself. It must have been a tremendous spectacle."
"Oh, do shut up." The Major turned to Calvin. "Why were your sisters here, anyway? Couldn't you have handled the transaction yourself?"
"A safety precaution," Calvin replied. "Even though he looked harmless, we did not know how trustworthy the Monk was and if he really had the cylinders in his possession. That way, if our sisters' mission failed, this host could still be around to carry on with the search."
"And there was something else, wasn't there?" the Major asked, with a faint twinkle in her eye.
Calvin looked around once more, the tender and very human look in his eyes once again giving Hawkeye the shivers. "Yes," he replied. "We had become fond of these humans, and decided that, as long as this host was still around, we would do our best to keep them safe."
Hawkeye exchanged glances with BJ. It was clear that, like him, Beej didn't know what to think of the knowledge that green blobs from outer space were watching over the camp. And they weren't doing such a great job of it, what with the snipers and shelling always swarming them. And Henry.
Calvin must have thought the same thing, because he let out a deep sigh and said, "I'm afraid we have failed in that aspect."
"Sentimental twaddle," the General sneered. "A female trait, and one that will result in the Rutans' defeat in the end."
"See, this is why I always say I'd put my money on the Rutans if I were to make bets on wars," the Major said, her voice hard. "They might give me as much trouble as your lot, but at least they will occasionally experience some good, healthy moments of 'sentimental twaddle'."
"An unsurprising thought, coming from you," the General said. "It's because of such ideals that you'll end up dead along with everyone else in this room."
"Oh, aye? And how will you do that?" McCrimmon asked, scowling down at the potato head.
"Yeah," Hye added, hefting her bat. "You're all tied up."
"That is simple. First of all, I have alerted the Shadow Proclamation of the attack perpetrated upon one of my men by a Rutan. The Judoon will come here very shortly, and with their crude methods of investigation, they'll kill any non-Earthlings they find before thinking of asking questions. That would be you, and the Rutan, Doctor." He gave them a look of triumph. "As for your protégés, I doubt they'll be able to survive after the Judoon depart."
Both Calvin and the Major were looking alarmed at this, which made Hawkeye's heart skip a beat. He had no idea of what a Judoon was or what was going to happen, but their reaction seemed to confirm that it would indeed be nasty and deadly.
"But you're here with us," Hye said, expressing a thought that had also come to Hawkeye's mind. "If we die, you die too."
"That leads to my second point," the General replied. "You're not so naïve to believe I'd come here without having my men keeping tabs on my movements, would you?" His voice then rose. "Activate!" Suddenly, a strange glow surrounded the talking potato.
"No!" Calvin and the Doctor shouted in unison.
"Goodbye, Doctor," the General said, his voice fading to an echo as he vanished. "It's a pity I won't be able to place your head on my mantelpiece, as you put it, but at least I'll be comforted in the knowledge that I've contributed to your demise."
And with this, he was gone, the ropes collapsing now that there was nothing for them to tie up.
"Oh, no," the Major said. "This is definitely not good."
"We're doomed," Calvin said mournfully.
"Not if I can't help it," the Major said, rushing to the amazing pile of objects that she had taken out of the tweed coat's pockets. "Now where is it..."
Hawkeye, BJ, Hye and McCrimmon all approached the Major to see what she was doing. Calvin did the same. Hawkeye made sure he kept some distance from him; he wasn't sure of what he wanted to say to him yet.
"What are you looking for, Doctor?" McCrimmon asked.
"This," she said, grabbing what looked like small white plastic squares. Hawkeye had no idea of what they were supposed to be, but he noticed that McCrimmon became ghostly pale the moment he set his eyes on them, his eyes wide with terror.
"No," he said in a hoarse whisper. "Anything but them."
"What are those?" Hye asked.
"You use them to call the Time Lords," McCrimmon said in the same terrified tone.
"No, Jamie," the Major said in a reassuring tone. "Not the Time Lords this time. This can also be used to contact the Shadow Proclamation."
"Can you not use some other way to call them?" the boy insisted. "In the TARDIS, for instance?"
"Not enough time, I'm afraid."
"Enough time?" Hawkeye asked. "Enough time for what?"
"Listen," Calvin said. Everybody was suddenly quiet, trying to hear.
"What is it?" asked Hye. "I only hear rain."
"Exactly," the Doctor said gravely, as she looked out the window.
Hawkeye looked outside as well. It wasn't unusual for weather to turn suddenly: he once experienced all four seasons alternately in only two hours. But there was something strange this time. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on.
"We're running out of time," the Major told McCrimmon. "The Judoon are coming."