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FIC: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 5
Title: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 5
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
alouzon
Fandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3204
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
Chapter 5
"Attention all nurses," the voice from the PA system echoed throughout the camp. "Please be prepared to leave in ten minutes. Ten minutes till the nurses go."
As BJ helped Kellye get inside the truck, Hawkeye stopped Bigelow, who was about to hop inside as well.
"You're not gonna leave without saying goodbye, are you?" he asked.
The redhead smiled mischievously. "You've already said goodbye to all the other girls. Just pretend I was among them."
He wrapped his arms around her waist. "You're not just one of the girls, you know."
"Yeah, I've heard that before," she said, as she removed his hands from the strategic point on which they had landed. "Many many times before. And strangely enough, this is the first time it's been addressed to me."
"Oh, come on..." He gave her his most charming smile.
"Goodbye, Doctor," she said, giving him a quick peck on the nose before jumping into the truck.
"It's not your lucky day, is it?" BJ asked, as he waved at the nurses.
"On the contrary. My nose just got very lucky." Indeed, Hawkeye felt that he had nothing to complain about, regarding the way Bigelow had dismissed his advances. Though he knew what the answer would be, he never gave up trying to hit on her; he knew that she was as amused by these little games as he was. And a friendly kiss on the nose from her was the same as being halfway through a candlelit dinner with any of the other girls. "Hey, do you think it would look bad if I never washed my nose again?"
"Not bad, just... disgusting."
"Oh, it's not so bad, then. People think I'm disgusting anyway, so I guess I can live with that."
As he said that, the truck gave a mighty honk and, as Radar signaled, it drove off, leaving a bunch of men waving sadly at the departing women.
"Well, that's it, then," BJ said.
"Not quite," Hawkeye said, as something suddenly came to his mind.
"Hey. Hey!" a muffled voice was then heard. The two captains and the enlisted men around them all looked around in search of the source of the sound; it didn't take too long for Hawkeye to realize that it came from a large rucksack that lay forgotten in the dirt - a sack big enough to hide a person.
"Here we go again," Hawkeye sighed. He then nudged his friend. "Beej."
They opened the rucksack, and out came Klinger's distinctive nose, followed by the rest of his face a few seconds later.
"Klinger, what do you think you're doing?" BJ said with a laugh.
"Oh, I know what he's doing," Hawkeye grinned. "He tried to pull this stunt last time we had to evacuate the nurses, only back then he fell off the truck.
"Yeah, and this time I didn't even manage to get onboard!" the Corporal said with some outrage, as he pulled himself out of the rucksack. Hawkeye couldn't help but notice that Klinger was in full uniform, though a flashy pair of earrings and a purple pashmina around his waist helped to restore some of his normal abnormalcy to the ensemble.
"That's because they saw through you, you knucklehead," Hawkeye reprimanded, still grinning. "Really, Klinger, that's rule number one in your loony guidebook, isn't it? Never repeat the same stunt twice unless it pays off."
"I thought it was worth a shot," Klinger said, unruffled. "Ah well, at least I didn't hear it from Major Burns this time."
"Hmmm, where is Frank?" BJ wondered.
"Yeah, you're right. Where is Ferret Face?" This was very odd; under these circumstances, Frank would normally try to make a speech about how the nurses were brave men fighting for a noble cause, or at least try to dig foxholes all over the camp... again. "Come to think of it," he added as he looked at the truck, now nothing more than a small green dot, "I don't see Hot Lips, either. I don't remember seeing her in that truck."
"You don't suppose they're dancing the horizontal mambo, do you, sir?" Klinger asked.
"Please, Klinger, don't use that language when talking about our esteemed Majors," Hawkeye said, with an ill expression. "I'm still trying to digest whatever it was that was impersonating food at the mess tent."
"Hey, Radar," BJ called, as he saw the young clerk walk by, his ever-present clipboard in hand, "did you see if Major Houlihan left with the others?"
"Uh, no, sir," he said, looking up. "She told me she was staying." He approached them, and added, "Looked a bit odd."
"Odd? How odd?" Hawkeye asked.
"I don't know," Radar said with a shrug. "She didn't sound like her."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure. It just felt like she wasn't herself. It was odd, though," he added. "It gave me that prickly feeling I usually get when there's incoming choppers."
Radar left, leaving Hawkeye looking pensive.
***
The Monk's TARDIS had taken the form of an ordinary wooden hut, just like any other in Ouijongbou. Jamie remembered what the Doctor had once told him about their TARDIS' ability to change shape being broken (something about a "chameleon circuit", a name that reminded him of Chameleon Tours and the last adventure he had with Ben and Polly; this always made him stop and wonder for a moment about what his two friends were doing now) and wondered about how things would have been like if it still had that ability. In the end, however, he decided that it was probably for the best that their TARDIS was a blue box all the time - that way, he always knew what it looked like.
On the inside, this other TARDIS was very much like their own, except the console stood on a dais. Also, unpleasant sparks shot up unexpectedly from the console in random intervals; Jamie didn't have to be a Time Lord to realize that was the source of the Monk's troubles.
"Oh dear," the Doctor said, frowning, as she examined the problem. "I've never seen such careless mistreatment of a TARDIS." She glowered at the Monk. "What were you doing while operating the controls of this thing?"
"Well, it's not my fault, is it?" the Monk said in an outraged voice. "These components just wear out."
"Right..." The Doctor narrowed her eyes. "My TARDIS is much older than yours, and it never 'wore out' like this. But then again, I know how to take care of my property."
"Your property?" The Monk chortled, "Seems to me you stole your TARDIS when you left home the first time." The Doctor shot him a scathing look, and the Monk subsided immediately. "Never mind the lecture on proper maintenance. Can you fix it?"
"Just one second." With the aid of her sonic screwdriver, the Doctor removed a circuit. "This needs replacement. The rest just needs to be cleaned, but that's your problem, not mine."
"But can you fix it?" the Monk repeated with some impatience.
"Yes, yes," she replied in the same tone. "Not just now, though."
The Monk was surprised at this. "Why not? You did promise."
"Yes, I did, and I will keep my promise. However, since you're partly responsible for the trouble out there, I think you should help us put an end to it."
"What?" He was clearly shocked.
"You're the one who attracted the Sontarans here, weren't you? You can help get rid of them."
"But... but... but..."
The Doctor rolled her eyes. "Everywhere I turn, people go 'but, but, but' at me. It's getting annoying." She patted her fellow Time Lord on the head, as if he were a dog, as he sat on an ornate chair by the console, his face propped up in his hands. "Responsibilities and consequences. It's about time you learned the meaning of those words."
"Doctor," Jamie whispered, as he pulled her aside where the Monk would not overhear them. "D'you think it's wise to fix his TARDIS?"
The Doctor sighed. "Honestly? No. He's immature and irresponsible and has no qualms about rewriting history and breaking time laws. Personally, I'd rather have a tea party with the Daleks than leave him roaming freely around time and space."
"Then why help him now? I have the cylinders with me." And he tapped his pocket.
"Yes, Jamie, I'm aware of that, but..." She gave him a sad look. "If we think about it, if I were to leave him stranded here, I wouldn't be any better than the Time Lords when they stopped us, now, would I?"
"That's different!" Jamie protested.
"Maybe..." She looked pensive for a while, but eventually gave her companion a reassuring smile. "But don't worry, Jamie. I have taken precautions against his meddling in the past, and I can do it again without breaking my promise." She squeezed his shoulder. "Will you trust me?"
Jamie sighed. "Aye, of course. I just hope you know what you're doing."
***
With the nurses gone, Hawkeye decided to dedicate his time to his other favorite occupation - drinking. Since the Officers' Club was filled with depressed men, all of them moping about their recent loss, he decided that the best option was to go to Rosie's bar, where things would definitely be more cheerful. However, when he arrived he encountered the place in a shambles, with Rosie and her two girls (three if you counted Rosie's ageing mother, Mama-San - who appeared to be somewhere between seventy-five and two hundred years old) running around the place trying to pack as much as they could and hide everything they couldn't. Luckily for him, his stature as one of Rosie's best customers allowed for Rosie to order one of the girls to stop what she was doing, and attend him.
"Hiya, Hawkeye," the pretty, round-faced girl said as she approached him, still winded by her earlier efforts but nevertheless as cheerful as always. "What will you have?"
"Ah, Kim, my jewel of the Orient," he said with a flourish. "Sake with beer, if you'd be so kind."
Kim gave a small giggle at the compliment. "Coming right up."
Hawkeye smiled as he watched the girl leave to get his order. Of all the girls that had served as waitresses for Rosie ever since he arrived in Korea, the current ones, Kim and Hye, were probably his favorites. In spite of everything they had lost with the war, they remained attentive and helpful, and were real troopers who were more than glad to help the doctors whenever they needed someone to translate what the local patients needed, and who had no trouble joining in on their plans for Henry Blake's farewell party, to the point of allowing themselves to be conducted by Radar in an impromptu chorus of America the Beautiful.
He wondered how long it would take for these girls to leave Rosie's. Some of their predecessors stayed for a few days, others for several months; many of them managed to find good husbands (all of them approved by the boss/mother hen that was Rosie) or were fortunate to reunite with their families and resume their old lives. Sadly, a few had gone astray and ended up as service girls, in spite of Rosie's best efforts. Sweet, cheerful Kim had lost all her family, but had all the attributes to attract a potential husband very soon; Hye's future, however, remained something of a mystery.
She had recently asked Father Mulcahy and himself for guidance (not spiritual guidance, as she emphatically added, as she did not follow the good Father's faith) and told them about her life story; about how her father, shortly before his death, had made her uncles promise they'd take care of her and give her the education he longed for her to have, and how that promise had been broken. Hawkeye had no idea how she'd ever be able to fulfill that dream, a woman living in war-torn Korea. However, pessimistic as he was, he couldn't help but admire the girl's persistence. Her recent employment as Hot Lips' "watch dog" was an attempt to gain some extra money to pay for her goal, which was further enriched by a small bribe that both he and BJ were paying her to allow them access to the hole in the shower tent - not that happily-married BJ would ever take advantage of this free pass, of course; the younger Captain saw this bribe as a well-deserved tip, after witnessing Hye pouring a Shirley Temple all over Frank's pristine Class A uniform.
"Here you are, Hawkeye," Kim said when she returned with the two bottles and a tall glass.
"Thanks," he said, as he started to mix the contents of the two bottles in the glass. With a small bow, Kim joined the other women in their task.
Before Hawkeye could drink this ambrosia, Major Smith entered the bar, followed by her Scottish shadow and the funny-looking monk they had chased down at lunchtime. The Major was carrying a small burlap bag, the monk looked absolutely miserable, and the boy's face turned stony the moment he spotted Hawkeye.
"Major!" Hawkeye called. "Welcome to our country club. Won't you join me?"
"No, thanks," Jamie grumbled.
"Now, now, Jamie," his superior officer said, in a motherly tone, before turning to the proprietor of the establishment. "Rosie, I presume." Something in her voice made Hawkeye think that it was a certainty, rather than a presumption.
"Yeah," Rosie replied in her usual no-nonsense manner, as she wiped her hands on her apron. "And who are you?"
"The Doctor has told me to give you this," the Major said, giving Rosie the bag. Hawkeye frowned. Earlier, Jamie had referred to Major Smith as "the Doctor." Now, the Major was using that name as if clearly referring to someone else. Just how many doctors were there in a combat, non-medical organization like UNIT?
Rosie opened the bag, and her eyes gleamed at the sight of the contents. "Bananas!"
"You did get my message, didn't you?" the Major asked.
"Yes, yes, that's why we're packing up," the bar owner said, as she indicated the mess around them with a gesture.
"Good. And have you talked to the elders of Ouijongbou?"
"I did," Rosie replied. "No dice."
All three were surprised; even the monk, who up to that point had tried to look at any other place rather than at the people in the room, opened his mouth in bafflement.
"But, do they not know how serious it is?" Jamie asked, clearly appalled.
"Of course they do," Rosie said, "but they still think there won't be any danger and that the spirits will protect them." She said this with a tone that clearly showed her disdain for such superstition. "I'm no idiot, though, so I'll be going."
"The elders have agreed to let all the children go with the nuns," Hye spoke up, with an ironic smile, "just in case the spirits are not as good as they believe."
"Oh, thank goodness for that," the monk said.
"Finally realized how bad this is, have you?" Jamie said, with obvious contempt. Hawkeye wondered if the ill-tempered attitude the boy displayed was in fact his natural state.
Ignoring her junior officer, the Major sighed. "Ah well, it's better than nothing."
"And at least the nurses are safe as well," Hawkeye finally said. "If things are as bad as you say, Major, I'm glad you managed to give the order for evacuation in time."
The Major looked puzzled at this. "What do you mean?"
"Well, the nurses have left now. I assumed you had instructed Major Burns to start the evacuation."
The look of puzzlement in her face increased even more. "I told Major Burns, yes, but that was less than thirty minutes ago," she said. "They cannot have left in such a short time."
Now it was time for Hawkeye to look puzzled. "They started preparations immediately after lunch," he said. "I assumed it had been your order."
"It wasn't," Jamie then said, looking as confused as the Major. "We were interrogating yon Sassenach monk, then," he gestured at the robed figure, who scowled back with an un-monk-like expression.
"Major Houlihan, perhaps?" Hawkeye tried, hopeful. This was sounding too strange.
"We've not seen her since this morning," Jamie replied curtly.
At this moment, two other people entered the bar - and, to Hawkeye's relief, they were none other than Hot Lips and Ferret Face. Maybe they would be able to sort this out.
"Hi, Frank," Hawkeye said.
"Oh, hello, Pierce," Frank said in a friendly tone than made Hawkeye's puzzlement increase a hundred times. No "that's what you think"? No "that doesn't scare me one bit" or "that was totally uncalled for"?
"Er, Frank," Hawkeye said, after decided this was probably just an odd moment for Frank, "we have a question."
"We will be happy to help," Margaret said, looking as friendly and frightening as her ferrety companion.
"Right... Anyway, I was wondering if you had ordered for the evacuation of the nurses."
"We have," said Frank.
"But how could you know if I hadn't told you about it yet?" Major Smith asked, her growing suspicion obvious, causing the young Scot to tense up, as if ready for a fight.
"We felt it was necessary, Time Lord," Margaret replied.
"But how..." The Major trailed off. "Wait a moment. Did you just call me Time Lord?"
"We know who you are," Frank said.
"We have no orders to kill humans unless in self-defense, so we felt it was better to decrease their numbers in the area."
Hawkeye's mouth opened in shock. He looked around, and saw that Rosie and her girls were looking just as puzzled; from her blank expression, it was clear to the Captain that Mama-San's deficient knowledge of the language made her ignorant of the absurdity of what had just been said.
The Major, however, looked as if it all made perfect sense. "Of course," she eventually said. "Rutans."
"Eh?" Jamie asked. "They dinnae look like green blobs to me."
"They're metamorphs, remember?" Major Smith said. Next to them, the monk let out a very Frankish whimper. Her eyes narrowed. "What happened to the humans you're impersonating?" the Major demanded.
"They are safe," Margaret said. "We are willing to make an exchange: their lives for our weapons."
"And if I refuse?" Major Smith asked, with a determination that made her seem much taller and imposing than she actually was.
"That is not an option," Margaret said.
"The Sontarans are not to have our weapons," Frank added, delicately sipping the Shirley Temple Rosie had placed on the bar in front of him before the conversation took its strange turn.
The Major approached them. "I'm sorry, but I can't just-"
Before she could complete the sentence, Frank held out his hand touched the Major's shoulder. To Hawkeye's shock, electric sparks flew out of his fingertips and engulfed the woman, who fell to the floor. Kim's scream filled everybody's ears.
"Doctor!" Jamie shouted, elbowing everyone out of his way. He kneeled by her body, touching her throat, searching for a pulse.
"This is our only warning," Frank said.
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:
alouzonFandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3204
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
"Attention all nurses," the voice from the PA system echoed throughout the camp. "Please be prepared to leave in ten minutes. Ten minutes till the nurses go."
As BJ helped Kellye get inside the truck, Hawkeye stopped Bigelow, who was about to hop inside as well.
"You're not gonna leave without saying goodbye, are you?" he asked.
The redhead smiled mischievously. "You've already said goodbye to all the other girls. Just pretend I was among them."
He wrapped his arms around her waist. "You're not just one of the girls, you know."
"Yeah, I've heard that before," she said, as she removed his hands from the strategic point on which they had landed. "Many many times before. And strangely enough, this is the first time it's been addressed to me."
"Oh, come on..." He gave her his most charming smile.
"Goodbye, Doctor," she said, giving him a quick peck on the nose before jumping into the truck.
"It's not your lucky day, is it?" BJ asked, as he waved at the nurses.
"On the contrary. My nose just got very lucky." Indeed, Hawkeye felt that he had nothing to complain about, regarding the way Bigelow had dismissed his advances. Though he knew what the answer would be, he never gave up trying to hit on her; he knew that she was as amused by these little games as he was. And a friendly kiss on the nose from her was the same as being halfway through a candlelit dinner with any of the other girls. "Hey, do you think it would look bad if I never washed my nose again?"
"Not bad, just... disgusting."
"Oh, it's not so bad, then. People think I'm disgusting anyway, so I guess I can live with that."
As he said that, the truck gave a mighty honk and, as Radar signaled, it drove off, leaving a bunch of men waving sadly at the departing women.
"Well, that's it, then," BJ said.
"Not quite," Hawkeye said, as something suddenly came to his mind.
"Hey. Hey!" a muffled voice was then heard. The two captains and the enlisted men around them all looked around in search of the source of the sound; it didn't take too long for Hawkeye to realize that it came from a large rucksack that lay forgotten in the dirt - a sack big enough to hide a person.
"Here we go again," Hawkeye sighed. He then nudged his friend. "Beej."
They opened the rucksack, and out came Klinger's distinctive nose, followed by the rest of his face a few seconds later.
"Klinger, what do you think you're doing?" BJ said with a laugh.
"Oh, I know what he's doing," Hawkeye grinned. "He tried to pull this stunt last time we had to evacuate the nurses, only back then he fell off the truck.
"Yeah, and this time I didn't even manage to get onboard!" the Corporal said with some outrage, as he pulled himself out of the rucksack. Hawkeye couldn't help but notice that Klinger was in full uniform, though a flashy pair of earrings and a purple pashmina around his waist helped to restore some of his normal abnormalcy to the ensemble.
"That's because they saw through you, you knucklehead," Hawkeye reprimanded, still grinning. "Really, Klinger, that's rule number one in your loony guidebook, isn't it? Never repeat the same stunt twice unless it pays off."
"I thought it was worth a shot," Klinger said, unruffled. "Ah well, at least I didn't hear it from Major Burns this time."
"Hmmm, where is Frank?" BJ wondered.
"Yeah, you're right. Where is Ferret Face?" This was very odd; under these circumstances, Frank would normally try to make a speech about how the nurses were brave men fighting for a noble cause, or at least try to dig foxholes all over the camp... again. "Come to think of it," he added as he looked at the truck, now nothing more than a small green dot, "I don't see Hot Lips, either. I don't remember seeing her in that truck."
"You don't suppose they're dancing the horizontal mambo, do you, sir?" Klinger asked.
"Please, Klinger, don't use that language when talking about our esteemed Majors," Hawkeye said, with an ill expression. "I'm still trying to digest whatever it was that was impersonating food at the mess tent."
"Hey, Radar," BJ called, as he saw the young clerk walk by, his ever-present clipboard in hand, "did you see if Major Houlihan left with the others?"
"Uh, no, sir," he said, looking up. "She told me she was staying." He approached them, and added, "Looked a bit odd."
"Odd? How odd?" Hawkeye asked.
"I don't know," Radar said with a shrug. "She didn't sound like her."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure. It just felt like she wasn't herself. It was odd, though," he added. "It gave me that prickly feeling I usually get when there's incoming choppers."
Radar left, leaving Hawkeye looking pensive.
The Monk's TARDIS had taken the form of an ordinary wooden hut, just like any other in Ouijongbou. Jamie remembered what the Doctor had once told him about their TARDIS' ability to change shape being broken (something about a "chameleon circuit", a name that reminded him of Chameleon Tours and the last adventure he had with Ben and Polly; this always made him stop and wonder for a moment about what his two friends were doing now) and wondered about how things would have been like if it still had that ability. In the end, however, he decided that it was probably for the best that their TARDIS was a blue box all the time - that way, he always knew what it looked like.
On the inside, this other TARDIS was very much like their own, except the console stood on a dais. Also, unpleasant sparks shot up unexpectedly from the console in random intervals; Jamie didn't have to be a Time Lord to realize that was the source of the Monk's troubles.
"Oh dear," the Doctor said, frowning, as she examined the problem. "I've never seen such careless mistreatment of a TARDIS." She glowered at the Monk. "What were you doing while operating the controls of this thing?"
"Well, it's not my fault, is it?" the Monk said in an outraged voice. "These components just wear out."
"Right..." The Doctor narrowed her eyes. "My TARDIS is much older than yours, and it never 'wore out' like this. But then again, I know how to take care of my property."
"Your property?" The Monk chortled, "Seems to me you stole your TARDIS when you left home the first time." The Doctor shot him a scathing look, and the Monk subsided immediately. "Never mind the lecture on proper maintenance. Can you fix it?"
"Just one second." With the aid of her sonic screwdriver, the Doctor removed a circuit. "This needs replacement. The rest just needs to be cleaned, but that's your problem, not mine."
"But can you fix it?" the Monk repeated with some impatience.
"Yes, yes," she replied in the same tone. "Not just now, though."
The Monk was surprised at this. "Why not? You did promise."
"Yes, I did, and I will keep my promise. However, since you're partly responsible for the trouble out there, I think you should help us put an end to it."
"What?" He was clearly shocked.
"You're the one who attracted the Sontarans here, weren't you? You can help get rid of them."
"But... but... but..."
The Doctor rolled her eyes. "Everywhere I turn, people go 'but, but, but' at me. It's getting annoying." She patted her fellow Time Lord on the head, as if he were a dog, as he sat on an ornate chair by the console, his face propped up in his hands. "Responsibilities and consequences. It's about time you learned the meaning of those words."
"Doctor," Jamie whispered, as he pulled her aside where the Monk would not overhear them. "D'you think it's wise to fix his TARDIS?"
The Doctor sighed. "Honestly? No. He's immature and irresponsible and has no qualms about rewriting history and breaking time laws. Personally, I'd rather have a tea party with the Daleks than leave him roaming freely around time and space."
"Then why help him now? I have the cylinders with me." And he tapped his pocket.
"Yes, Jamie, I'm aware of that, but..." She gave him a sad look. "If we think about it, if I were to leave him stranded here, I wouldn't be any better than the Time Lords when they stopped us, now, would I?"
"That's different!" Jamie protested.
"Maybe..." She looked pensive for a while, but eventually gave her companion a reassuring smile. "But don't worry, Jamie. I have taken precautions against his meddling in the past, and I can do it again without breaking my promise." She squeezed his shoulder. "Will you trust me?"
Jamie sighed. "Aye, of course. I just hope you know what you're doing."
With the nurses gone, Hawkeye decided to dedicate his time to his other favorite occupation - drinking. Since the Officers' Club was filled with depressed men, all of them moping about their recent loss, he decided that the best option was to go to Rosie's bar, where things would definitely be more cheerful. However, when he arrived he encountered the place in a shambles, with Rosie and her two girls (three if you counted Rosie's ageing mother, Mama-San - who appeared to be somewhere between seventy-five and two hundred years old) running around the place trying to pack as much as they could and hide everything they couldn't. Luckily for him, his stature as one of Rosie's best customers allowed for Rosie to order one of the girls to stop what she was doing, and attend him.
"Hiya, Hawkeye," the pretty, round-faced girl said as she approached him, still winded by her earlier efforts but nevertheless as cheerful as always. "What will you have?"
"Ah, Kim, my jewel of the Orient," he said with a flourish. "Sake with beer, if you'd be so kind."
Kim gave a small giggle at the compliment. "Coming right up."
Hawkeye smiled as he watched the girl leave to get his order. Of all the girls that had served as waitresses for Rosie ever since he arrived in Korea, the current ones, Kim and Hye, were probably his favorites. In spite of everything they had lost with the war, they remained attentive and helpful, and were real troopers who were more than glad to help the doctors whenever they needed someone to translate what the local patients needed, and who had no trouble joining in on their plans for Henry Blake's farewell party, to the point of allowing themselves to be conducted by Radar in an impromptu chorus of America the Beautiful.
He wondered how long it would take for these girls to leave Rosie's. Some of their predecessors stayed for a few days, others for several months; many of them managed to find good husbands (all of them approved by the boss/mother hen that was Rosie) or were fortunate to reunite with their families and resume their old lives. Sadly, a few had gone astray and ended up as service girls, in spite of Rosie's best efforts. Sweet, cheerful Kim had lost all her family, but had all the attributes to attract a potential husband very soon; Hye's future, however, remained something of a mystery.
She had recently asked Father Mulcahy and himself for guidance (not spiritual guidance, as she emphatically added, as she did not follow the good Father's faith) and told them about her life story; about how her father, shortly before his death, had made her uncles promise they'd take care of her and give her the education he longed for her to have, and how that promise had been broken. Hawkeye had no idea how she'd ever be able to fulfill that dream, a woman living in war-torn Korea. However, pessimistic as he was, he couldn't help but admire the girl's persistence. Her recent employment as Hot Lips' "watch dog" was an attempt to gain some extra money to pay for her goal, which was further enriched by a small bribe that both he and BJ were paying her to allow them access to the hole in the shower tent - not that happily-married BJ would ever take advantage of this free pass, of course; the younger Captain saw this bribe as a well-deserved tip, after witnessing Hye pouring a Shirley Temple all over Frank's pristine Class A uniform.
"Here you are, Hawkeye," Kim said when she returned with the two bottles and a tall glass.
"Thanks," he said, as he started to mix the contents of the two bottles in the glass. With a small bow, Kim joined the other women in their task.
Before Hawkeye could drink this ambrosia, Major Smith entered the bar, followed by her Scottish shadow and the funny-looking monk they had chased down at lunchtime. The Major was carrying a small burlap bag, the monk looked absolutely miserable, and the boy's face turned stony the moment he spotted Hawkeye.
"Major!" Hawkeye called. "Welcome to our country club. Won't you join me?"
"No, thanks," Jamie grumbled.
"Now, now, Jamie," his superior officer said, in a motherly tone, before turning to the proprietor of the establishment. "Rosie, I presume." Something in her voice made Hawkeye think that it was a certainty, rather than a presumption.
"Yeah," Rosie replied in her usual no-nonsense manner, as she wiped her hands on her apron. "And who are you?"
"The Doctor has told me to give you this," the Major said, giving Rosie the bag. Hawkeye frowned. Earlier, Jamie had referred to Major Smith as "the Doctor." Now, the Major was using that name as if clearly referring to someone else. Just how many doctors were there in a combat, non-medical organization like UNIT?
Rosie opened the bag, and her eyes gleamed at the sight of the contents. "Bananas!"
"You did get my message, didn't you?" the Major asked.
"Yes, yes, that's why we're packing up," the bar owner said, as she indicated the mess around them with a gesture.
"Good. And have you talked to the elders of Ouijongbou?"
"I did," Rosie replied. "No dice."
All three were surprised; even the monk, who up to that point had tried to look at any other place rather than at the people in the room, opened his mouth in bafflement.
"But, do they not know how serious it is?" Jamie asked, clearly appalled.
"Of course they do," Rosie said, "but they still think there won't be any danger and that the spirits will protect them." She said this with a tone that clearly showed her disdain for such superstition. "I'm no idiot, though, so I'll be going."
"The elders have agreed to let all the children go with the nuns," Hye spoke up, with an ironic smile, "just in case the spirits are not as good as they believe."
"Oh, thank goodness for that," the monk said.
"Finally realized how bad this is, have you?" Jamie said, with obvious contempt. Hawkeye wondered if the ill-tempered attitude the boy displayed was in fact his natural state.
Ignoring her junior officer, the Major sighed. "Ah well, it's better than nothing."
"And at least the nurses are safe as well," Hawkeye finally said. "If things are as bad as you say, Major, I'm glad you managed to give the order for evacuation in time."
The Major looked puzzled at this. "What do you mean?"
"Well, the nurses have left now. I assumed you had instructed Major Burns to start the evacuation."
The look of puzzlement in her face increased even more. "I told Major Burns, yes, but that was less than thirty minutes ago," she said. "They cannot have left in such a short time."
Now it was time for Hawkeye to look puzzled. "They started preparations immediately after lunch," he said. "I assumed it had been your order."
"It wasn't," Jamie then said, looking as confused as the Major. "We were interrogating yon Sassenach monk, then," he gestured at the robed figure, who scowled back with an un-monk-like expression.
"Major Houlihan, perhaps?" Hawkeye tried, hopeful. This was sounding too strange.
"We've not seen her since this morning," Jamie replied curtly.
At this moment, two other people entered the bar - and, to Hawkeye's relief, they were none other than Hot Lips and Ferret Face. Maybe they would be able to sort this out.
"Hi, Frank," Hawkeye said.
"Oh, hello, Pierce," Frank said in a friendly tone than made Hawkeye's puzzlement increase a hundred times. No "that's what you think"? No "that doesn't scare me one bit" or "that was totally uncalled for"?
"Er, Frank," Hawkeye said, after decided this was probably just an odd moment for Frank, "we have a question."
"We will be happy to help," Margaret said, looking as friendly and frightening as her ferrety companion.
"Right... Anyway, I was wondering if you had ordered for the evacuation of the nurses."
"We have," said Frank.
"But how could you know if I hadn't told you about it yet?" Major Smith asked, her growing suspicion obvious, causing the young Scot to tense up, as if ready for a fight.
"We felt it was necessary, Time Lord," Margaret replied.
"But how..." The Major trailed off. "Wait a moment. Did you just call me Time Lord?"
"We know who you are," Frank said.
"We have no orders to kill humans unless in self-defense, so we felt it was better to decrease their numbers in the area."
Hawkeye's mouth opened in shock. He looked around, and saw that Rosie and her girls were looking just as puzzled; from her blank expression, it was clear to the Captain that Mama-San's deficient knowledge of the language made her ignorant of the absurdity of what had just been said.
The Major, however, looked as if it all made perfect sense. "Of course," she eventually said. "Rutans."
"Eh?" Jamie asked. "They dinnae look like green blobs to me."
"They're metamorphs, remember?" Major Smith said. Next to them, the monk let out a very Frankish whimper. Her eyes narrowed. "What happened to the humans you're impersonating?" the Major demanded.
"They are safe," Margaret said. "We are willing to make an exchange: their lives for our weapons."
"And if I refuse?" Major Smith asked, with a determination that made her seem much taller and imposing than she actually was.
"That is not an option," Margaret said.
"The Sontarans are not to have our weapons," Frank added, delicately sipping the Shirley Temple Rosie had placed on the bar in front of him before the conversation took its strange turn.
The Major approached them. "I'm sorry, but I can't just-"
Before she could complete the sentence, Frank held out his hand touched the Major's shoulder. To Hawkeye's shock, electric sparks flew out of his fingertips and engulfed the woman, who fell to the floor. Kim's scream filled everybody's ears.
"Doctor!" Jamie shouted, elbowing everyone out of his way. He kneeled by her body, touching her throat, searching for a pulse.
"This is our only warning," Frank said.