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FIC: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 3
Title: The Rutan Relics - Chapter 3
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
alouzon
Fandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3480
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
Chapter 3
Ouijongbou looked as desolate and miserable as the nearby army hospital - perhaps even more so, as the effects of the recent bombing were still strongly visible. The poverty, dirt and grit reminded Jamie of what he had seen in Scotland after the battle of Culloden. What struck him the most, however, was that all the villagers seemed to carry on as if nothing had happened. It was as if the bombing had been something as normal as a thunderstorm.
He, the Doctor and Radar raced past crumbled old house after crumbled old house, until they finally reached an alley.
"It was night when Major Houlihan and I came here, but if I remember it right, this is where we found the body," Radar said, peering into the desolate alleyway.
"Aye, it was here," Jamie confirmed, wincing at the green bloodstains scattered all over the floor and walls.
"I wonder what could have caused so much damage on a virtually indestructible creature like a Sontaran," the Doctor said, as she kneeled to inspect a particularly large bloodstain. While the two young men watched her, she produced a pair of tweezers and a few paper envelopes from her pocket, and began to collect things she found scattered on the floor; Jamie couldn't help but notice that she was ignoring the blood, and wondered what she could find of any interest in the place. The alley looked just like every other corner of the village that he had seen so far, with nothing but dirt and wreckage.
"Jamie, look at this," she called out after a few minutes of this.
"What?"
With the tweezers, she picked something that was lying next to the blood. The two young men approached to have a better look.
"What does this look like to you?"
Jamie looked at the small round object that the Doctor was showing him. "I'm not sure," he eventually said. "Looks like a wee button."
"Actually, it's an earpiece from a pair of earbuds," the Doctor explained. "Much smaller, portable and technologically advanced than the headsets that are in use in 1951."
"How much more advanced?" Radar asked.
"These will only be produced in some fifty years' time."
Radar's mouth opened in surprise, and he stared at the Doctor for a few moments, while Jamie began to mull over the Doctor's discovery. "Might it not be from some alien device? Most of the beasties we run into seem more advanced than Earth, at the points in time we visit."
"It could be," the Doctor said, pondering. "I think I'll go back to the TARDIS and study this just to make sure. However, at a first glance this looks Earth-made." She lifted the tweezers to the light in order to have a closer look. "Yes, I think the earpieces on Martha's earbuds looked just like this fragment here."
"Are you thinking there are time travellers involved, then?" Jamie asked.
"It's possible," the Doctor replied with a frown. "It's definitely possible."
***
"All right, you two," Pierce said, as he stormed into the C.O.'s office, Hunnicutt trailing after him. "Out with it."
"Haven't you heard of knocking, Pierce?" Frank asked, enraged with the nerve of the man. Now it was as if Pierce were the one running the place.
"Oh, right," Pierce said in his irritating, light-hearted tone; he turned back, knocked on the door from the inside and returned to his previous position, his hands on Frank's desk.
"All right, you two," he repeated. "Out with it."
"Out with what?" Margaret asked, sounding just as annoyed as Frank.
"You know what, Margaret. UNIT. What the hell are they doing here?"
"They're helping us with something."
"And what would that be, exactly?" pressed Hawkeye.
"Mind your own beeswax," Frank grumbled. He hated to admit he had no idea, as Margaret had refused to let him know what she had shown the two visiting officers (another blow in his attempts to prove himself as the C.O.), but it would be a cold day in communist hell before he would admit it to Pierce.
"Frank," Pierce continued, "part of me is actually very grateful to you for calling them, as I believe I've just met the future mother of my children..."
"Oh, honestly, Pierce!" Margaret complained, exasperated. Frank shared the sentiment - this was clearly another manifestation of the man's degenerate behavior, and he was now aiming it at an officer of superior rank - and one from one of their allied nations, no less. Granted, it wasn't Frank's favorite foreign nation, what with all that old business with the Boston Tea Party and that stuffy attitude that seemed to indicate that they considered themselves superior to Americans; nevertheless, they were part of the forces of good that fought for democracy and all that was clean and decent in this godless territory.
"However," Pierce continued, "I still have nightmares about what happened last time UNIT was here, and I remember that we nearly bugged out back then. Now, three of the locals we brought in after the bombing are still in recovery and cannot be moved for the next thirty-six hours. If there's anything that might compromise their situation, I need to know now."
Frank's nostrils flared. Who did Pierce think he was, making demands like these?
"Major Smith is currently investigating," Margaret said, her tone calmer and less outraged. Frank was disappointed - Pierce just had to deal the "patient in danger" card (the oldest trick in the book), even when it came to locals instead of their boys, for Margaret to suddenly soften her stance. "I don't think there's any reason to worry, at least for now."
"I'm a bit confused," Hunnicutt said. "What's UNIT? I don't think I've ever heard of it."
"They're army intelligence," Margaret said immediately, "linked to the U.N."
"Specialized in killing little green blobs," Pierce added.
Hunnicutt looked at him in disbelief. "You're joking."
"An oversized slug, that's all," Frank retorted. "I really don't know what the fuss is about."
"This from the man who started crying for his mommy the moment he saw the 'slug'," Pierce said with a wry laugh.
"That is enough, Captain!" Margaret exclaimed. Frank smiled inwardly; in spite of her stealing his authority at times, she was still his biggest supporter, particularly against that insubordinate savage.
"Whatever you say, Mommy," Pierce said teasingly. Frank had to suppress a whimper, as he realized what Pierce was clearly trying to imply. However, instead of pressing this, the Captain soon changed his expression back to that of concern that annoyed him so, and asked Margaret in a more serious tone, "Can you assure me that we won't have to bug out? Our patients won't make it."
"I'll ask Major Smith," Margaret replied. "We'll work something out if we do get to that point, though."
"Thank you." He turned and was about to leave when suddenly, his expression changed once again. "You know something? I think I'll go ask Major Smith instead."
Margaret's eyes widened. "Pierce, don't you dare!"
"I forbid it," Frank added. "Major Houlihan is the one who is dealing with UNIT in this, and you're not to stick your nose in where it doesn't concern you."
"What do you mean, it doesn't concern me? Have you seen Major Smith, Frank?"
"I have, and I really can't see why you're making all this fuss for," Frank sneered. He really couldn't find anything remotely attractive about the UNIT Major, apart from the military discipline she clearly possessed, but then again this was Pierce - a degenerate like him would find even a lamppost attractive.
"Can't see why..." Pierce shook his head in an overdramatic tone, and turned away. "The world is doomed. Doomed! Come along, Mary," He added to Hunnicutt, who followed him.
"I'll go after him before he makes a fool of himself," Margaret said with a heavy sigh.
"No," Frank said quickly, "leave him, Margaret."
She was surprised. "What?"
"Let him play the fool." He gave her a wicked smile. "She'll probably laugh at his face."
Margaret smiled back. "Are you sure?"
"Well, she is English. Sure, they have class, and discipline, but they're all so very proper, and care about nothing but tea and cricket. It's a wonder those people can reproduce at all."
***
Hawkeye's search for his goddess had been unfruitful. It was as if she and the Scottish boy had vanished from the face of the Earth. Eventually, BJ convinced him that he should stop peaking through every nook and cranny and have a nice, tasteless, inedible meal before resuming his hunt.
"I know this might sound like a stupid question, but please be patient with me," BJ asked, as they entered the mess tent and went straight to the trays, "but since I'm still new over here I can't help but wonder. Are you always like this when there are women involved?"
"Not really, no," Hawkeye replied. "Only when they're just my type."
"Then your no is actually a yes, isn't it?" BJ said with a grin.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, from what I can gather, women only require two things to be your type: being female, and being right here."
"Well, yes," Hawkeye admitted. He then paused, and added, "Well, except for the 'female' part."
"Remind me to sleep with a pistol under my pillow, then."
"Oh, you don't have to worry. I've made a personal rule to never hit on non-female personnel when they have feet so big they have to wear canoes instead of shoes."
BJ grinned again. "I'll try to hide my disappointment." He looked further down the line, and commented, "Hey, Hawk, isn't that Major Smith's assistant?"
Hawkeye turned to look - and sure enough, the person at the front of the line, staring suspiciously at Klinger (who had decided to wear a little blue ensemble from his belly dancer collection to serve lunch), looked very much like the boy who had glared at him earlier that morning. Of course, he could not be certain, because he had paid more attention to his goddess than to her Scottish shadow, and because the boy was now wearing regular olive drabs instead of the beige-colored Class A uniform of earlier.
His eyes followed the boy as he and Radar (who, as usual, had enough food on his tray to feed a small army) sat down to eat their meals. Once he himself was served, he rushed to the two boys' table.
"Excuse me, Radar, but is this seat taken? No? Good." And, without waiting for a reply, he parked himself right next to the Scot, who was clearly still suspicious of him. "I must apologize for my rudeness before. I'm Hawkeye Pierce, Chief Surgeon."
"Jamie McCrimmon," the boy grumbled, in an unfriendly tone.
"Excuse me," BJ said politely, as he finally approached the table with his tray, sitting opposite his friend.
"Let me introduce you. BJ Hunnicutt, Jamie McCrimmon," Hawkeye said - and, once again, he carried on without waiting for a response. "So, where is the delightful Major Smith?"
"She's not here," Jamie growled. Hawkeye cursed mentally; it was clear that the boy would be a tough nut to crack. Part of him wondered if this defensiveness was just the result of exaggerated loyalty, or if his goddess had something going on with her junior officer. Mentally, Hawkeye prayed for all the deities worshipped in both America and Korea that it would be the former.
Luckily, Radar was a bit more helpful. "Er, she's doing some lab research, I think," he explained.
"Oh, great," Hawkeye said with a smile. "I'll go to the laboratory and have a chat with her in a moment."
"You'll not find her there," Jamie said truculently. This confused Hawkeye.
"Wait, didn't you say she was-"
"Uh, the research is classified, so she went to a secret place to do it," Radar said again. Hawkeye gave him a quizzical look, as this made absolutely no sense to him - there was only one laboratory in the entire camp; the boy, however, merely looked back at him.
He decided to change his tactics in order to appeal to Jamie's good graces. It would be good to have an ally in his attempts to woo the Major, after all. "In that case, I'll ask you instead," he said, looking at the Scot. "How serious is the situation, this time? Will we have to bug out?"
This seemed to confuse the boy. He paused with his spoon halfway between his plate and his mouth. "Eh?"
BJ and Hawkeye exchanged looks, their eyebrows raised. Even BJ, who was still a newbie in army matters, knew what "bugging out" meant. Maybe it's a British thing, Hawkeye thought.
"He means moving the MASH somewhere else," Radar explained. "Emergency procedures."
"We operated on a few patients yesterday, you see," Hawkeye continued, "and their condition is critical."
"In other words," BJ added, "they can't be moved."
Jamie seemed to think about this for a while. "I'm not sure," he finally said. "You'll have to ask the Doctor when she gets back."
"Ah, a lady doctor, is she?" Hawkeye said, a huge smile on his lips (after all, female doctors had always fascinated him), but the boy ignored him.
"I reckon you should go, though, and as soon as possible," he said with a somber expression, which made Hawkeye's smile vanish.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Och, I never saw those Rutan beasties you've seen the other time, but I've met these ones and I know the damage they can do. I have the feeling it will be much worse than before."
Hawkeye and Radar exchanged looks; the clerk was so shocked that his mouth hung open, with an expression that Hawkeye would have laughed at under different circumstances.
"Do you think we should warn Frank?" BJ asked. It was clear from his tone of voice that he was concerned, but that he wasn't aware of how serious such a suggestion truly was.
"What, and have him panic all over us? Absolutely."
"Not without the Doctor," Jamie said.
"Yeah," Radar said, in a hopeful tone. "Maybe she'll figure things are not so bad."
"I'm afraid not," a voice said behind them. Hawkeye turned, and saw his goddess - who, like her junior officer, was wearing olive drabs and a deeply concerned expression on her face. She looked at him straight in the eyes and said "Tell Major Burns that it's imperative that the 4077th bugs out. I don't care what excuse you'll give to your superiors - tell them there's a sniper, more enemy shelling, anything - but leave now."
"But we can't leave just like that," BJ said.
"Aye, they have patients that cannae be moved," Jamie added.
"Oh, dear," the goddess said. "Well, you'll have to find a way to hide those patients the best you can. The rest, however, will have to leave."
"It's that bad, is it?" Hawkeye asked.
"Sontaran scouts might be coming," Major Smith replied, ticking off points on her tiny, tapered fingers, "as well as the Rutans I've been expecting to find; plus I've found something that does not belong here. And something else that has no business on Earth has managed the impossible and slashed a Sontaran open. I say it's worse than your imagination can conceive."
"Er, once more, in English?" BJ said, but the Major ignored him. She looked around, and commented, "There's a lot more civilians in here than usual. And a lot of children."
Jamie looked around as well. "Aye, you're right."
"The bombing affected Sister Theresa's orphanage," Radar said, and BJ added,
"Captain Spalding is fixing the roof, so they'll have their place back today, but we offered the services of our mess tent until he's finished. No matter how crummy the food is, it's always food."
"We, of course, means Hot Lips," Hawkeye said somewhat wryly. "Impossible as she is at times, she still has a heart, very deep inside. Frank Burns wouldn't give a glass of water to a drowning man."
"Can we evacuate the village?" Major Smith asked. "Or at least take the children away with those who won't stay with your critical patients?"
Radar shook his head. "We can convince the nuns, but not the villagers."
The Major sighed. And what a delightful sigh it is, Hawkeye couldn't help but think.
"Well, it's better than nothing, I suppose. And we can always try and get Rosie to convince people to hide." She turned to Radar. "That friend of yours with the baseball bat, the one you said works for Rosie. Is she still around?"
"Hye? Yeah, I think so," the young clerk replied, unconsciously ducking.
"Good." She produced a piece of paper from her pocket, and unceremoniously removed the pencil from Radar's ear; after scribbling something on the paper, she gave both objects to the clerk. "Give her this note, and tell her to go straight back to the bar - and that she should tell Rosie that the Doctor has brought the bananas he promised."
"He?" Hawkeye asked, but nobody else seemed to notice.
Radar nodded. "Bananas. Right." He stood up, but paused, looking at his tray with disappointment. He had eaten quite a lot at his usual faster-than-light pace, but Hawkeye realized that his iron stomach seemed to regret wasting what was still left.
"Don't worry about your food," Hawkeye said. "It won't go anywhere while you're away." Radar nodded, and left the tent at a quick pace. "Unless it gets up and walks away on its own," he added.
"Where is Sister Theresa?" the Major asked the two Captains. "I'd like to warn her before we go to Major Burns."
"She's at the orphanage, helping Captain Spalding," BJ told her. "This monk, who's been helping at the orphanage lately, escorted the children to the camp today."
"Then that's the man I need to talk to. Where is he?"
Hawkeye looked around the room, and found the squat, middle-aged man sitting in a far corner, stuffing his face with the same abandon as Radar. "There he is," he pointed.
"Oh." Major Smith's voice expressed a depth of shock that surprised Hawkeye. He looked at her, and could see that she was white as chalk, and had clasped the young Scot's shoulder for support.
"Doctor?" her junior officer asked. "Doctor, what's the matter?"
"I should have known," she muttered, quickly recovering her aplomb.
"Eh?"
Ignoring the boy, she called out, in a loud voice. "Hey!"
Everybody looked up at her. Hawkeye looked once again at the monk, and saw that his face paled in recognition as well. With a terrified expression, he stood up with such violence that he dumped his tray on the floor in the process, and bolted out the mess tent entrance.
"Oh, no, you don't!" the Major said, running after him. Jamie had already sprung to his feet, following her.
"Doctor, wait!" he shouted.
As the two UNIT officers left, a vast silence filled the mess tent: the only sound that could be heard was the jingling produced by the bells in Klinger's dress every time the Corporal breathed.
"What just happened here?" Hawkeye asked BJ, who shrugged and returned his attention to his coffee cup.
***
Jamie was surprised at the monk's speed. For a chubby wee fellow, he sure could run.
"Wait!" the Doctor called after him; there was a hint of anger and annoyance in her tone that astonished Jamie. The monk, however, ignored her pleas and kept on running. Eventually, they approached the nurses' showers, where Jamie could see that Radar was still talking to the girl in the tent-like pink dress. The monk was about to run by them, but Jamie had an idea.
"Hey, stop him!" he yelled.
The girl seemed to understand that he was calling out to her, because she immediately placed her bat in the way. The monk tripped on it, and fell heavily to the ground. Before he could manage to scramble to his feet and resume his escape, the Doctor reached him and, with the help of Radar and the girl, pinned him to the muddy road.
"Thank you," she told the girl, before turning her attention to the monk. "I should have known."
"I'm innocent!" the man shouted, as Jamie reached the group. "I have nothing to do with it!"
"To do with what?" the Doctor asked.
"Whatever you're accusing me of, Doctor," he replied.
"Oh, so you recognize me," she said with a smile. "Good. It will save me the trouble of re-introducing myself." The smile quickly vanished from her face, surprising Jamie with its grimness. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just helping the children," the monk replied.
The Doctor gave a sarcastic laugh, "You only help people when they can be useful to you."
"Doctor, d'you know him?" Jamie asked.
"Unfortunately, yes. He's a Time Lord."
Author: Me
Beta-Reader:
alouzonFandom: Doctor Who/M*A*S*H
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3480
Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all its characters belong to the BBC; M*A*S*H and all its characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox. I own nothing - not even the Fourteenth Doctor.
Summary: The Doctor returns to a place he has visited in the past to stop some old enemies from recovering something that is best left forgotten.
Warning: Spoilers for Abyssinia, Henry/Welcome to Korea.
Ouijongbou looked as desolate and miserable as the nearby army hospital - perhaps even more so, as the effects of the recent bombing were still strongly visible. The poverty, dirt and grit reminded Jamie of what he had seen in Scotland after the battle of Culloden. What struck him the most, however, was that all the villagers seemed to carry on as if nothing had happened. It was as if the bombing had been something as normal as a thunderstorm.
He, the Doctor and Radar raced past crumbled old house after crumbled old house, until they finally reached an alley.
"It was night when Major Houlihan and I came here, but if I remember it right, this is where we found the body," Radar said, peering into the desolate alleyway.
"Aye, it was here," Jamie confirmed, wincing at the green bloodstains scattered all over the floor and walls.
"I wonder what could have caused so much damage on a virtually indestructible creature like a Sontaran," the Doctor said, as she kneeled to inspect a particularly large bloodstain. While the two young men watched her, she produced a pair of tweezers and a few paper envelopes from her pocket, and began to collect things she found scattered on the floor; Jamie couldn't help but notice that she was ignoring the blood, and wondered what she could find of any interest in the place. The alley looked just like every other corner of the village that he had seen so far, with nothing but dirt and wreckage.
"Jamie, look at this," she called out after a few minutes of this.
"What?"
With the tweezers, she picked something that was lying next to the blood. The two young men approached to have a better look.
"What does this look like to you?"
Jamie looked at the small round object that the Doctor was showing him. "I'm not sure," he eventually said. "Looks like a wee button."
"Actually, it's an earpiece from a pair of earbuds," the Doctor explained. "Much smaller, portable and technologically advanced than the headsets that are in use in 1951."
"How much more advanced?" Radar asked.
"These will only be produced in some fifty years' time."
Radar's mouth opened in surprise, and he stared at the Doctor for a few moments, while Jamie began to mull over the Doctor's discovery. "Might it not be from some alien device? Most of the beasties we run into seem more advanced than Earth, at the points in time we visit."
"It could be," the Doctor said, pondering. "I think I'll go back to the TARDIS and study this just to make sure. However, at a first glance this looks Earth-made." She lifted the tweezers to the light in order to have a closer look. "Yes, I think the earpieces on Martha's earbuds looked just like this fragment here."
"Are you thinking there are time travellers involved, then?" Jamie asked.
"It's possible," the Doctor replied with a frown. "It's definitely possible."
"All right, you two," Pierce said, as he stormed into the C.O.'s office, Hunnicutt trailing after him. "Out with it."
"Haven't you heard of knocking, Pierce?" Frank asked, enraged with the nerve of the man. Now it was as if Pierce were the one running the place.
"Oh, right," Pierce said in his irritating, light-hearted tone; he turned back, knocked on the door from the inside and returned to his previous position, his hands on Frank's desk.
"All right, you two," he repeated. "Out with it."
"Out with what?" Margaret asked, sounding just as annoyed as Frank.
"You know what, Margaret. UNIT. What the hell are they doing here?"
"They're helping us with something."
"And what would that be, exactly?" pressed Hawkeye.
"Mind your own beeswax," Frank grumbled. He hated to admit he had no idea, as Margaret had refused to let him know what she had shown the two visiting officers (another blow in his attempts to prove himself as the C.O.), but it would be a cold day in communist hell before he would admit it to Pierce.
"Frank," Pierce continued, "part of me is actually very grateful to you for calling them, as I believe I've just met the future mother of my children..."
"Oh, honestly, Pierce!" Margaret complained, exasperated. Frank shared the sentiment - this was clearly another manifestation of the man's degenerate behavior, and he was now aiming it at an officer of superior rank - and one from one of their allied nations, no less. Granted, it wasn't Frank's favorite foreign nation, what with all that old business with the Boston Tea Party and that stuffy attitude that seemed to indicate that they considered themselves superior to Americans; nevertheless, they were part of the forces of good that fought for democracy and all that was clean and decent in this godless territory.
"However," Pierce continued, "I still have nightmares about what happened last time UNIT was here, and I remember that we nearly bugged out back then. Now, three of the locals we brought in after the bombing are still in recovery and cannot be moved for the next thirty-six hours. If there's anything that might compromise their situation, I need to know now."
Frank's nostrils flared. Who did Pierce think he was, making demands like these?
"Major Smith is currently investigating," Margaret said, her tone calmer and less outraged. Frank was disappointed - Pierce just had to deal the "patient in danger" card (the oldest trick in the book), even when it came to locals instead of their boys, for Margaret to suddenly soften her stance. "I don't think there's any reason to worry, at least for now."
"I'm a bit confused," Hunnicutt said. "What's UNIT? I don't think I've ever heard of it."
"They're army intelligence," Margaret said immediately, "linked to the U.N."
"Specialized in killing little green blobs," Pierce added.
Hunnicutt looked at him in disbelief. "You're joking."
"An oversized slug, that's all," Frank retorted. "I really don't know what the fuss is about."
"This from the man who started crying for his mommy the moment he saw the 'slug'," Pierce said with a wry laugh.
"That is enough, Captain!" Margaret exclaimed. Frank smiled inwardly; in spite of her stealing his authority at times, she was still his biggest supporter, particularly against that insubordinate savage.
"Whatever you say, Mommy," Pierce said teasingly. Frank had to suppress a whimper, as he realized what Pierce was clearly trying to imply. However, instead of pressing this, the Captain soon changed his expression back to that of concern that annoyed him so, and asked Margaret in a more serious tone, "Can you assure me that we won't have to bug out? Our patients won't make it."
"I'll ask Major Smith," Margaret replied. "We'll work something out if we do get to that point, though."
"Thank you." He turned and was about to leave when suddenly, his expression changed once again. "You know something? I think I'll go ask Major Smith instead."
Margaret's eyes widened. "Pierce, don't you dare!"
"I forbid it," Frank added. "Major Houlihan is the one who is dealing with UNIT in this, and you're not to stick your nose in where it doesn't concern you."
"What do you mean, it doesn't concern me? Have you seen Major Smith, Frank?"
"I have, and I really can't see why you're making all this fuss for," Frank sneered. He really couldn't find anything remotely attractive about the UNIT Major, apart from the military discipline she clearly possessed, but then again this was Pierce - a degenerate like him would find even a lamppost attractive.
"Can't see why..." Pierce shook his head in an overdramatic tone, and turned away. "The world is doomed. Doomed! Come along, Mary," He added to Hunnicutt, who followed him.
"I'll go after him before he makes a fool of himself," Margaret said with a heavy sigh.
"No," Frank said quickly, "leave him, Margaret."
She was surprised. "What?"
"Let him play the fool." He gave her a wicked smile. "She'll probably laugh at his face."
Margaret smiled back. "Are you sure?"
"Well, she is English. Sure, they have class, and discipline, but they're all so very proper, and care about nothing but tea and cricket. It's a wonder those people can reproduce at all."
Hawkeye's search for his goddess had been unfruitful. It was as if she and the Scottish boy had vanished from the face of the Earth. Eventually, BJ convinced him that he should stop peaking through every nook and cranny and have a nice, tasteless, inedible meal before resuming his hunt.
"I know this might sound like a stupid question, but please be patient with me," BJ asked, as they entered the mess tent and went straight to the trays, "but since I'm still new over here I can't help but wonder. Are you always like this when there are women involved?"
"Not really, no," Hawkeye replied. "Only when they're just my type."
"Then your no is actually a yes, isn't it?" BJ said with a grin.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, from what I can gather, women only require two things to be your type: being female, and being right here."
"Well, yes," Hawkeye admitted. He then paused, and added, "Well, except for the 'female' part."
"Remind me to sleep with a pistol under my pillow, then."
"Oh, you don't have to worry. I've made a personal rule to never hit on non-female personnel when they have feet so big they have to wear canoes instead of shoes."
BJ grinned again. "I'll try to hide my disappointment." He looked further down the line, and commented, "Hey, Hawk, isn't that Major Smith's assistant?"
Hawkeye turned to look - and sure enough, the person at the front of the line, staring suspiciously at Klinger (who had decided to wear a little blue ensemble from his belly dancer collection to serve lunch), looked very much like the boy who had glared at him earlier that morning. Of course, he could not be certain, because he had paid more attention to his goddess than to her Scottish shadow, and because the boy was now wearing regular olive drabs instead of the beige-colored Class A uniform of earlier.
His eyes followed the boy as he and Radar (who, as usual, had enough food on his tray to feed a small army) sat down to eat their meals. Once he himself was served, he rushed to the two boys' table.
"Excuse me, Radar, but is this seat taken? No? Good." And, without waiting for a reply, he parked himself right next to the Scot, who was clearly still suspicious of him. "I must apologize for my rudeness before. I'm Hawkeye Pierce, Chief Surgeon."
"Jamie McCrimmon," the boy grumbled, in an unfriendly tone.
"Excuse me," BJ said politely, as he finally approached the table with his tray, sitting opposite his friend.
"Let me introduce you. BJ Hunnicutt, Jamie McCrimmon," Hawkeye said - and, once again, he carried on without waiting for a response. "So, where is the delightful Major Smith?"
"She's not here," Jamie growled. Hawkeye cursed mentally; it was clear that the boy would be a tough nut to crack. Part of him wondered if this defensiveness was just the result of exaggerated loyalty, or if his goddess had something going on with her junior officer. Mentally, Hawkeye prayed for all the deities worshipped in both America and Korea that it would be the former.
Luckily, Radar was a bit more helpful. "Er, she's doing some lab research, I think," he explained.
"Oh, great," Hawkeye said with a smile. "I'll go to the laboratory and have a chat with her in a moment."
"You'll not find her there," Jamie said truculently. This confused Hawkeye.
"Wait, didn't you say she was-"
"Uh, the research is classified, so she went to a secret place to do it," Radar said again. Hawkeye gave him a quizzical look, as this made absolutely no sense to him - there was only one laboratory in the entire camp; the boy, however, merely looked back at him.
He decided to change his tactics in order to appeal to Jamie's good graces. It would be good to have an ally in his attempts to woo the Major, after all. "In that case, I'll ask you instead," he said, looking at the Scot. "How serious is the situation, this time? Will we have to bug out?"
This seemed to confuse the boy. He paused with his spoon halfway between his plate and his mouth. "Eh?"
BJ and Hawkeye exchanged looks, their eyebrows raised. Even BJ, who was still a newbie in army matters, knew what "bugging out" meant. Maybe it's a British thing, Hawkeye thought.
"He means moving the MASH somewhere else," Radar explained. "Emergency procedures."
"We operated on a few patients yesterday, you see," Hawkeye continued, "and their condition is critical."
"In other words," BJ added, "they can't be moved."
Jamie seemed to think about this for a while. "I'm not sure," he finally said. "You'll have to ask the Doctor when she gets back."
"Ah, a lady doctor, is she?" Hawkeye said, a huge smile on his lips (after all, female doctors had always fascinated him), but the boy ignored him.
"I reckon you should go, though, and as soon as possible," he said with a somber expression, which made Hawkeye's smile vanish.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Och, I never saw those Rutan beasties you've seen the other time, but I've met these ones and I know the damage they can do. I have the feeling it will be much worse than before."
Hawkeye and Radar exchanged looks; the clerk was so shocked that his mouth hung open, with an expression that Hawkeye would have laughed at under different circumstances.
"Do you think we should warn Frank?" BJ asked. It was clear from his tone of voice that he was concerned, but that he wasn't aware of how serious such a suggestion truly was.
"What, and have him panic all over us? Absolutely."
"Not without the Doctor," Jamie said.
"Yeah," Radar said, in a hopeful tone. "Maybe she'll figure things are not so bad."
"I'm afraid not," a voice said behind them. Hawkeye turned, and saw his goddess - who, like her junior officer, was wearing olive drabs and a deeply concerned expression on her face. She looked at him straight in the eyes and said "Tell Major Burns that it's imperative that the 4077th bugs out. I don't care what excuse you'll give to your superiors - tell them there's a sniper, more enemy shelling, anything - but leave now."
"But we can't leave just like that," BJ said.
"Aye, they have patients that cannae be moved," Jamie added.
"Oh, dear," the goddess said. "Well, you'll have to find a way to hide those patients the best you can. The rest, however, will have to leave."
"It's that bad, is it?" Hawkeye asked.
"Sontaran scouts might be coming," Major Smith replied, ticking off points on her tiny, tapered fingers, "as well as the Rutans I've been expecting to find; plus I've found something that does not belong here. And something else that has no business on Earth has managed the impossible and slashed a Sontaran open. I say it's worse than your imagination can conceive."
"Er, once more, in English?" BJ said, but the Major ignored him. She looked around, and commented, "There's a lot more civilians in here than usual. And a lot of children."
Jamie looked around as well. "Aye, you're right."
"The bombing affected Sister Theresa's orphanage," Radar said, and BJ added,
"Captain Spalding is fixing the roof, so they'll have their place back today, but we offered the services of our mess tent until he's finished. No matter how crummy the food is, it's always food."
"We, of course, means Hot Lips," Hawkeye said somewhat wryly. "Impossible as she is at times, she still has a heart, very deep inside. Frank Burns wouldn't give a glass of water to a drowning man."
"Can we evacuate the village?" Major Smith asked. "Or at least take the children away with those who won't stay with your critical patients?"
Radar shook his head. "We can convince the nuns, but not the villagers."
The Major sighed. And what a delightful sigh it is, Hawkeye couldn't help but think.
"Well, it's better than nothing, I suppose. And we can always try and get Rosie to convince people to hide." She turned to Radar. "That friend of yours with the baseball bat, the one you said works for Rosie. Is she still around?"
"Hye? Yeah, I think so," the young clerk replied, unconsciously ducking.
"Good." She produced a piece of paper from her pocket, and unceremoniously removed the pencil from Radar's ear; after scribbling something on the paper, she gave both objects to the clerk. "Give her this note, and tell her to go straight back to the bar - and that she should tell Rosie that the Doctor has brought the bananas he promised."
"He?" Hawkeye asked, but nobody else seemed to notice.
Radar nodded. "Bananas. Right." He stood up, but paused, looking at his tray with disappointment. He had eaten quite a lot at his usual faster-than-light pace, but Hawkeye realized that his iron stomach seemed to regret wasting what was still left.
"Don't worry about your food," Hawkeye said. "It won't go anywhere while you're away." Radar nodded, and left the tent at a quick pace. "Unless it gets up and walks away on its own," he added.
"Where is Sister Theresa?" the Major asked the two Captains. "I'd like to warn her before we go to Major Burns."
"She's at the orphanage, helping Captain Spalding," BJ told her. "This monk, who's been helping at the orphanage lately, escorted the children to the camp today."
"Then that's the man I need to talk to. Where is he?"
Hawkeye looked around the room, and found the squat, middle-aged man sitting in a far corner, stuffing his face with the same abandon as Radar. "There he is," he pointed.
"Oh." Major Smith's voice expressed a depth of shock that surprised Hawkeye. He looked at her, and could see that she was white as chalk, and had clasped the young Scot's shoulder for support.
"Doctor?" her junior officer asked. "Doctor, what's the matter?"
"I should have known," she muttered, quickly recovering her aplomb.
"Eh?"
Ignoring the boy, she called out, in a loud voice. "Hey!"
Everybody looked up at her. Hawkeye looked once again at the monk, and saw that his face paled in recognition as well. With a terrified expression, he stood up with such violence that he dumped his tray on the floor in the process, and bolted out the mess tent entrance.
"Oh, no, you don't!" the Major said, running after him. Jamie had already sprung to his feet, following her.
"Doctor, wait!" he shouted.
As the two UNIT officers left, a vast silence filled the mess tent: the only sound that could be heard was the jingling produced by the bells in Klinger's dress every time the Corporal breathed.
"What just happened here?" Hawkeye asked BJ, who shrugged and returned his attention to his coffee cup.
Jamie was surprised at the monk's speed. For a chubby wee fellow, he sure could run.
"Wait!" the Doctor called after him; there was a hint of anger and annoyance in her tone that astonished Jamie. The monk, however, ignored her pleas and kept on running. Eventually, they approached the nurses' showers, where Jamie could see that Radar was still talking to the girl in the tent-like pink dress. The monk was about to run by them, but Jamie had an idea.
"Hey, stop him!" he yelled.
The girl seemed to understand that he was calling out to her, because she immediately placed her bat in the way. The monk tripped on it, and fell heavily to the ground. Before he could manage to scramble to his feet and resume his escape, the Doctor reached him and, with the help of Radar and the girl, pinned him to the muddy road.
"Thank you," she told the girl, before turning her attention to the monk. "I should have known."
"I'm innocent!" the man shouted, as Jamie reached the group. "I have nothing to do with it!"
"To do with what?" the Doctor asked.
"Whatever you're accusing me of, Doctor," he replied.
"Oh, so you recognize me," she said with a smile. "Good. It will save me the trouble of re-introducing myself." The smile quickly vanished from her face, surprising Jamie with its grimness. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just helping the children," the monk replied.
The Doctor gave a sarcastic laugh, "You only help people when they can be useful to you."
"Doctor, d'you know him?" Jamie asked.
"Unfortunately, yes. He's a Time Lord."